“Your expectations are too high. You’ll never find what you’re looking for”.
-famous last words of an ex
I had been in LA for less than 3 months when I knew the relationship I was in was going nowhere. They say you really get to know someone once you’ve lived with them and I can confidently say this is true. We were constantly fighting, and every day spent together was tumultuous. My boyfriend at the time mentioned something about marriage, to which I quickly responded that I did not see things heading in that direction. “So what are we doing?” he said. I quickly responded, “That’s a good question.” He didn’t seem to like that answer which is what I believe led him to say the following: “Who do you think you are? Your expectations are too high. You’ll never find what you’re looking for” I stood there shocked. Needless to say within a few weeks, we broke up.
Being a single girl in LA is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the time of my life, but after dating countless men and knowing that it wasn’t going anywhere, I wondered if my ex was right. Would I find what I was looking for? Or was it a lost cause and would I have to settle, something I dreaded with all of my being. I hoped that he was wrong, but I worried that he had placed some kind of curse on me.
I’ve been told I have high expectations. My younger self dreamed of unconditional love, be adored and respected, and most of all, to not marry a douche. I was so stuck on avoiding the wrong person that I attracted everything I didn’t want, and this continued for years, while exes moved on and got married. I found myself doubting my true love existed. I was so stuck on the past (something that I struggle with on the daily) to see the prospect that was right in front of me, I was so focused on what was lacking in my life that I almost missed out on the greatest love I could have ever imagined.
From the instant, my husband walked into my life, he was a light. Simon was kind, open, and genuine. He was comfortable in his own skin and owned up to his imperfections. He was unafraid to be himself something I admire immensely. I felt so comfortable and at ease with him that I began to let my guard down. It was the gentle and slow type of love that sneaks right into your heart before you know it. It was like looking into a mirror, with the best parts of me reflecting back. I remember thinking that we had so much in common and that we would end up being best friends and in a way, he was right.
I had recently gone through a breakup, and a part of me thought that I would never find love, so I decided to surrender. If love came, I would embrace it, but I would no longer try to control or chase it. I had been dating someone off and on for two years. I knew it would eventually end, yet when it did, I had a sense of peace and slight despair. One night I was sitting in my room sobbing. I felt my heart rip open as I reflected on all of the past relationships and knew that although the men I had dated played a role in the breakup, I was the constant and that needed to change. While feeling sorry for myself, Simon texted asking me to go out at. At first, I refused but then changed my mind decided to be social. That was the night he first expressed interest in me, but I brushed him off.
I had no plans to jump into another relationship, yet there was something so gentle and earnest about him that drew me in. Perhaps it was his accent or the cute way he pronounces words or his kindness that allowed me to be myself. I never felt as if he was expecting something from me, or that he wanted to change me. When I was with him, I said what was on my mind without any hesitation. There was no facade, I was simply me. I was convinced that this solidified our friendship status, but it was only the beginning.
My old patterns began to pop up, and with every obstacle, Simon had a solution. He didn’t give up easily and was able to handle whatever came his way. There was a part of me that believed this was too good to be true, that I didn’t deserve him. No matter how hard I tried to find a reason why I shouldn’t be in a relationship, the pros would always outweigh the cons. I was also going through my own transformation. I began to understand my worth and began to remove toxic people. Unconsciously I was making room for better things in my life. I also knew that I needed to change some of my own toxic behavior, he deserved someone healthy and committed. Slowly my heart began to open to him. He was everything I had ever envisioned for myself and more
This month (or next, time flies when you’re having fun!) will be 6 years since my husband, and I started dating. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, and it feels as if we’ve just started dating. We’ve endured some hard moments, and it hasn’t always been perfect, nor do I expect for it to ever be. He’s seen me at my worst when my depression has reared it’s ugly head, and I’ve had to tolerate him after have 3x double shots of espresso. Despite all the difficulties we still laugh every day, create our own quirky songs together and dance around the apartment with our dog. I’m confident to say I’ve picked a mate that is will see through the difficulties with me, fighting life by my side.
If you’re reading this and you’ve been told that what you’re looking for doesn’t exist and you start to feel pressured to settle. Please don’t. Many times we begin to lose hope when things aren’t happening according to our timeline, and in this hopelessness, our vision becomes muddy. Be patient with yourself. Take this time to nurture, and love yourself so that your future mate can do the same for you. Trust that the right person is out there waiting for you and they can be closer then you think. Know that everything in life happens exactly as it should, even the painful lesson we endure. Without them we would never value the beauty in our lives.
So to the ex who said I would never find what I was looking for; you were right. I found more than I ever anticipated. Thank you for lighting the fire in my soul that led me to find the love of my life.
“Love can only be found through the act of loving.”
― Paulo Coelho