It’s the last day of 2019, an end of a decade and the close of a chapter.
For me, this year has been a lesson in impermanence, vulnerability, allowing, and letting go. One filled with hope, heartbreak, and much-needed growth. Here’s a reflection of this year & past decade:
When I moved to LA, I had no idea of the power of intention and manifestation. I knew that I wanted to work on set and kept speaking it into existence. I’ve gone from working in a salon to having the opportunity to work on set to then achieving my all-time goal of traveling for work. I went on my very first cruise this year and got to experience glaciers first hand (before they melt). I explored on my own, and almost missed getting on the cruise ship ( a story for a different day). I’ve been pushed out of my comfort zone and worked longer hours than I thought were humanly possible. I’ve worked with talented crew and celebrities and have had the opportunity to be a part of countless beautiful weddings.
For the past decade, I’ve had dreams of becoming a beauty blogger. At the end of 2018, I made it a goal to work on my social media and begin working with beauty and fashion brands I love. In 2019 with a lot of work, I reached 10k followers and was able to start to see that happen. I explored more natural beauty brands and learned to say no to brands that didn’t align with my beliefs, no matter what they offered or how much they paid.
I also had to deal with uncertain news. When I was told I would have a difficult time conceiving, my world was crushed. I had no idea what my fertility journey would look like, and months before my pregnancy was filled with anxiety. I realized how much of my life I had always tried to control. This was something I had no control over.
In my twenties, I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to start a family. I resisted the idea, not sure if I was capable of being a Mother. I was forced to confront my fear of being pregnant. Memories of my childhood stayed in my present, constantly flooding me. So much of the trauma that I had spent years burying came to the surface once I was given the news that I may have difficulties conceiving. This was all coming up to heal.
While working in Juno, Alaska, I felt the pull to visit Mendenhall Glacier. It was so magical I had a hard time leaving. As I put my feet in the frigid water, I decided to surrender. “I think I’m supposed to tell you to come when you’re ready,” I spoke out loud to my future child. I let go of control. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.
I believed pregnancy meant I would be ill, uncomfortable, and hormonal, imagining other’s experiences as my own. I was terrified of the changes I would see in my body. The opposite has been true. I’ve never felt so beautiful and have witnessed my own strength, felt balanced, and feel so connected to the little soul I am carrying. I know that my motherly instinct has been there all along, waiting until I was ready.
I was surprised at how isolating pregnancy could be with all but a few friends disappearing as soon as they found out that I was pregnant. I was no longer invited to hang out. Some friends rarely checked on me. Once I broke my foot, it only got worse, I found myself pregnant, alone, and injured. But this realization has drawn me closer to what matters and has broken and opened me up in more ways than one. It’s made me more compassionate of the transition, so many of us go through when we move from maiden to mother. One that I wouldn’t understand unless I went through it on my own.
I was compelled to acknowledge my body issues. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I was able to see the disorder I had so clearly been fighting for more than a decade. I was often uncomfortable in my own skin. With my weight being a focal point, one that I never cared to admit. I spent most of my life in denial about how I viewed myself, and now I choose to see the truth and begin steps to acceptance.
I’ve been forced to sit down and slow down through a broken foot, examining my life, the way I do things, and how I show up for myself and other people. In the stillness, I’ve become aware of the changes I need to make, and it’s been uncomfortable as hell. In the past, I’ve tried to run away from painful feelings through movement and other tasks, but the fact is you can never run away from yourself. No matter how much you try. The sooner those traumas are faced, the sooner healing can begin.
My meditation practice has gone through a transitional period, one that hasn’t been so consistent. I’ve had to go through the discomfort to really appreciate the silence, clarity, and healing that my meditation practice brings. I’ve been patiently seeing myself through the ups and downs. Thankfully I’ve picked up where I’ve left off, strengthening my intuition in the process.
As the new decade approaches, what are some of the things you’ll be leaving behind?
I choose to let go of limiting beliefs and be a victim of my past circumstances. I will change the narrative and will create the life I’ve always wanted for my family and me. I will stop making excuses.
Here are some things I look forward to in the New Year and in the new decade:
Getting back into my yoga practice and getting into shape
My foot healing in its entirety
Manifesting strong friendships
Prosperity and the ability to work from home while caring for my baby
Traveling as a family to new locations
Being a part of more weddings
Take my business to another level where I am making a positive impact that surpasses makeup in which woman learn to love and accept themselves
Stop making myself small
Be unafraid to be vulnerable
Be brave enough to establish boundaries
Spend less time on social media
Spend less time watching TV
Spend more time reading
Begin writing my book
Publish my book
Be gentle on myself if I don’t accomplish or take my time accomplishing these things
Remember, we create our reality, the words we speak define us and the world around us.
2019 I won’t say you kicked my ass, but you’ve made me grow in ways that I didn’t realize I needed, and for that, I’m thankful.