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When the holidays overwhelm you


 

     For years the holidays would send me into an anxiety-filled depression. It would always begin slowly and without warning. I would start to get sensitive than the mood swings with come. There are times where I would even pick fights with loved ones. Subconsciously I was trying to take the focus off of how I was feeling. The holidays always made me feel uncomfortable. For many years I couldn’t understand why I felt so unsettled, why everything always seemed to bubble up. There’s something about the hustle and bustle of this time that sets emotions on fire. Tensions become high, emotions begin to surface. The happiest time of the year for many becomes the worse. The holidays can serve as a reminder of the dysfunction some face in their lives, the people they’ve lost and the relationships they wish they had.     

  Growing up there wasn’t a significant focus on the holidays. For many years it was my mother and I celebrating with whatever friend she had at the time, there were some years where she was in good terms with her sisters, and we would spend the holidays with them. Then there were the years where she dated Jim my Father figure and we would celebrate as a family. The most cherished memories I have are from this time of my life. I was heartbroken when they broke up, I felt as if the only family I knew was shattered. In adulthood I found myself spending the holidays with friends and their families. I would come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t go back home, but no matter how much I tried to avoid my feelings they would always show up announced. 

   In my late 20s, I began to realize that unless I healed and created harmony within myself, nothing would ever be right. I would continue to feel unhappy, unworthy, and unstable. I would carry these feelings in every situation, and I did. I allowed it to skew my perception of reality. To shift my perspective quickly from joy to sadness. I was taking for granted the beauty in my life. I was being ungrateful and in my ungratefulness, I was taking so many things for granted. I realized that I had so much to be thankful for and that once I changed my thinking the possibilities were endless. It’s easy to forget all of the blessings in life and focus on the negative.  All of the hard moments in past have happened for my highest good and exactly as they should because without these moments I could never experience and know what happiness is. 

 

The holidays may leave you feeling overwhelmed, with many different feelings surfacing. Allow them to come, honor them and let them go. Be gentle with yourself and those around you.

 
  No matter what you’ve been through it is possible to create harmony within yourself but it all begins with you. Remember you can control your outcome, you hold the power to change your life. This Thanksgiving and throughout the next year I challenge you to remember to make a point to practice gratitude. In a notebook write something good that’s happened to you, leave it by your bed and open anytime you need a reminder. 

 

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”- Oprah Winfrey

Here are 11 things I’m thankful for:
1. My husband
2. Gigi, she teaches me about patience and unconditional love every day 
3. My spiritual practice 
4. The ability to forgive
5. Having a husband/friends who push me even when I resist it the most 
6. The community I’ve built 
7. My family 
8. My sensitivity 
9. My body and how it supports me
10.My breath and the ability to change my mood
11.The ability to experience the beauty of a sunrise and sunset and with it new beginnings 
 
If you’re feeling overwhelmed take a moment to breathe. Here’s a beautiful meditation that will help you through any challenges you may be facing. 
This meditation is especially useful for dealing with stressful relationships and with past family issues. It addresses phobias, fears, and neuroses. It can remove unsettling thoughts from the past that surface into the present. It can take difficult situations in the present and release them into the Hands of Infinity.
Posture: Sit in Easy Pose with a straight spine.
Mudra: Place the hands at the center of the chest with the tips of the thumbs touching each other and each of the fingers touching the corresponding fingers on the opposite hand. Leave space between the palms. The fingertips are pointing upward.
Eye Focus: Look at the tip of the nose.
Breath: Breath 4 times per minute: inhale 5 seconds, hold 5 seconds, exhale 5 seconds.
Time: Continue for 11 minutes or until you feel relief from the stress.
Source: https://www.3ho.org/3ho-lifestyle/authentic-relationships/stress-relief-and-clearing-emotions-past 
What are some things that you’re thankful for? I’d love to hear it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
 
How to get in touch with your inner child

My 4th Birthday

 

“The most sophisticated people I know-inside they are children.” Jim Henson

  It’s taken me nearly 32 years to experience childhood. I was one of the few kids that would talk to adults as if they were my peers. I had a severe case of only child syndrome. I would talk about current events, the type of career and job I would have and where I would live. I felt alienated from those my age as if I had nothing in common with them. Frankly, I viewed other kids as immature, and I was not going to invest my time in them. I would get bored playing with stuffed animals or dolls because they couldn’t talk back. Of course I still had an imagination, but I was always in tune with reality, often times too in tune with what was happening around me. Adults would comment on how mature I acted, a compliment that actually felt like something I had to live up to. It shaped me into the adult I am today. I didn’t want to let anyone down by acting too childlike so instead I molded myself into someone who was almost always composed. I needed to be the perfect child, both in my eyes and in everyone else’s. 

  It was like there were two versions of me: the fearless optimist, and the girl afraid of making a fool of herself. I had difficulties being silly and letting go, but when I did, I would transform. My imagination would run wild. I felt as if I could do anything, achieve anything. I had no obstacle, my past and present did not define me. Then I would be visited by the girl afraid of failing, the one who was terrified of making a fool of herself. She gave up learning how to ride a bike because she felt too old (I was 14) was insecure in her ability to learn how to swim (I was 6) and was afraid of what people would say. She was so fearful of letting her mother down. Of being too different. I was in a constant battle with myself.

  There were times I felt like I had to mother my mother. She would often confide in me, pulling me into her world. Drifting me away from my own imagination and reality. Being a single parent was extremely stressful for my her, and there were moments we worried about what we would eat and how we would afford the rent. In my childlike faith, and innocence I would encourage my mother, tell her everything was going to be ok. I had no other choice but to believe that we would be taken care of.  In my heart, I knew that no matter what we would make it through. We would overcome the circumstances and persevere. At times I dreamed of someone saving us, and I know she did too. 

   At the age of 9, my mother and I became homeless. We arrived at an intake shelter in the Bronx. We were in a large room with hundreds of woman and children. We were all in limbo waiting to be taken to different locations. We slept on the floor with the lights on during the night. The flu was going around making it difficult to sleep. My mother and I got extremely sick. I remember feeling so much shame. After a few days, we were moved to another location. An old converted hospital.I would wake up from the screaming and yelling in the hallway. The unrest and tension hanging thickly in the air, spreading throughout the building. We were moved two more times before we got our apartment. It was the longest most stressful year of my life. 

  I reached adulthood in an almost exhausted state. The reality of everything that had happened weighing heavily on my psyche. I couldn’t seem to shake it off, and it followed me in my early adult years. I had a difficult time laughing at myself or even relaxing. I always felt on edge. My true self remained hidden, waiting to be unleashed. Occasionally she would show up and say hello, she was begging to be let out. In my late twenties, something started to shift. I began to care less of what people thought of me and the less I cared, the more honest and caring people I attracted.

   My husband and I recently went on vacation with friends who have a wonderful 2-year-old son. He is one of the most loving, kindest and fun little boys I know. As I spent time with him I learned a lot about myself in the process. Anytime he stumbles he brushes himself off and continues.He doesn’t allow minor setbacks to get in the way of what he wants to accomplish. He lives in the present and isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself. He loves unconditionally and without reservation. He is straightforward with what he likes and dislikes.  Most importantly he isn’t scared of having fun and lots of it. During those 5 days, we made a fort out of an ottoman, ran while screaming (that was him) and blast in the playground hammock (that was me).  I was able to awaken the child in me and remember my essence. 

 

  Something that’s become very evident to me in the last few years is that no matter how old you are, your inner child will always remain. Just like in childhood it needs to be nurtured and loved. To be told that everything will be all right. That we can achieve everything our heart desires. In adulthood, it’s easy to become jaded and keep note of the people/things that have wounded us. We hold on to things that we can’t change, only hurting ourselves in the process.  I’ve decided I’ve had enough of adulthood and I want to dedicate myself to being in touch with my inner kid. Will you join me?

“I’m happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.” James Broughton

Inner child action plan:  

Laugh often at yourself

Do something unexpected

Find your innocence 

Dance/sing even if you’re offbeat/key 

Love without being afraid of being wounded 

Dream

Play in the ocean with a loved one

Get dirty (however, you see fit)

Be around children, pay attention and learn from them

Take frequent breaks from technology, be in nature

Be happy, it’s your birthright!

Let go 

Be present

 

Did you know that you can get in touch with your innocence through meditation? Start by closing your eyes. Lay down or sit in easy pose. Visualize yourself as a child, surrounding yourself with unconditional love. Begin to send healing energy to yourself, giving the love and encouragement you wished you had. Make sure to say how proud you are of your accomplishments. Slowly inhale and exhale. You can meditate in this position for as little as 3-11 minutes. Write down how you feel afterward. 
When things fall apart

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve spoken to my mother, I’d like to say that it’s the first time but regrettably it’s not. Throughout the years there have been stretches of silence and many times without a reason. There are moments where she tries to regain her role as a mother, become my best friend calling me constantly. She’ll tell me that she loves me, shifting from silence to a suffocating love. In the past I would take those moments as hope that things have changed, that perhaps we could establish some sort of relationship. Sadly it’s these very moments where I tread lightly because I know that it will be short lived. I know she will become upset about something and not speak to me for months. It’s in those moments of silence that I learn the most about myself.

My relationship with my Mother has always been a difficult one. It’s hard to see someone constantly fall apart and have respect for them. Growing up she would constantly ask me for advice and many times I felt that I had to encompass the role of the responsible adult, something I deeply resented. Someone who was constantly left picking up the pieces. The glue that held everything together. I don’t remember ever feeling as if I was a child, I was always worried about her and what would happen to us. I desperately wanted to fix her and take her pain away. Back then it was difficult to see that my mother had been shoved into a role of parenthood that she was ill prepared for, and that she was doing the best she could while dealing terribly with her past.

From a young age I was very aware of how present her past was in our lives. She was very open about her abuse as a child bringing to light the severity of things. At times I felt like her therapist. I urged her to seek help, but she would insist that she was healed. It often left me wondering if she would ever be ok. During those early years I vowed I would never allow my circumstances to determine the person I was. I would grow up and do things differently, never allow hurt to have a standing place in my life. My idealistic mind said many things but I hadn’t experience the pain my mother had. I was just experiencing the painful aftermath. I’m ashamed to say that I judged her immensely. I didn’t realize then that when judge we feed into the very thing we dislike. We give it attention and slowly it becomes part of our reality.

I grew up in a very strict, religious home and although I believed everything I was taught I couldn’t understand why she was still so broken. If God heals all, why wasn’t she healed? Why did she struggle with anxiety attacks? Why did I feel like the adult all the time? We lived our lives isolated from family and the world. I remember moments when my Aunts would come and visit because they hadn’t seen us in a long time. She would pretend we weren’t home. Then there were moments when we would all be together as a family, then someone would say something and a fight would ensue. They were concerned about us, but my mother didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps she didn’t want to face them because they were a reminder of her past and all of the terrible things that had happened to her.

When I was 16 we moved to Denver, Colorado and as I began to change our relationship suffered severely. It was then things began to dissolve. We were constantly fighting and the stress of work and school was almost too unbearable. While I wouldn’t define myself as a rebellious kid, I had an opinion and possessed a sense of strength my mother often relied on. I viewed college as my only way out, and as I began applying to colleges I know she felt utterly alone. The idea of me leaving scared her and in her own way she didn’t want to be left, but instead be the person to decide when I would leave. A few months after I turned 18 she kicked me out. “Get the hell out of my house! Aren’t you tired of me telling you to leave? Aren’t you embarrassed to still be here?!”  Those words stung me to the core. It was just the two of us and I felt so betrayed.

“For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor. There is no freedom which is free. To create in you the power to create the intelligence which will give you power to be effect in your own living and give you satisfaction in your own joy. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.”

-Yogi Bhajan 

In the midst of our fight she called a friend. M became a saving grace, a light in the darkness. She asked to speak to me. I was crying, almost hyperventilating. My world was crumbling. She told me to calm down and begin to gather some things. “You need some space from each other. I’ll tell her you’re coming over for a few day and then you’ll be back to grab the rest of your things at another time.”  Surprisingly my mother thought it was a great idea, perhaps she thought that if I left I would come running back home begging for forgiveness but that was not the case. As soon as I left I felt a heaviness lift. M took me in and treated me with grace and unconditional love. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and for many years after I had a hard time receiving it. She taught me acceptance and at 18 that was one of the greatest lessons I could learn.

When things fall apart it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be difficult to not replay the hurt and wonder why, or how things could be different. Instead of moving on we end up creating more damage for ourselves and our loved ones. We push them away and base our current experiences on the past ones instead of trusting that the outcome will be different. When things fall apart they do so to fall back together, stronger and exactly as they should.  All of the things that have happened in my life have lead me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have found a career that helps me accentuate the true beauty of others. I wouldn’t have moved to California, met my soul mate or discovered a beautiful practice through Kundalini Yoga. I would never know what it means to be joyful, because without pain we will never be able to appreciate and accept the beauty in our lives.

I’d like to say that I’ve completely forgiven my mother but I’ll be candid and say that I’m a work in progress and forgiveness doesn’t automatically come. It’s something that I work on daily. There’s no doubt in my mind that in her own way my mother loves me. She did the best she could with the tools that she had. When someone has hurt you the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious decision to forgive them, and in doing so you break the invisible hold they have on you. You give space for miraculous things to happen in your life and to have the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Here’s a powerful mediation that will assist you in sending healing thoughts to yourself or someone who’s hurt you:

 

Sending Healing Thoughts Meditation

Posture and Mudra: Sit in Easy Pose and place the hands in Prayer Pose (palms together at the center of the chest).

Focus: Concentrate at the Heart Center. Press the hands tightly together and press the total weight of the body against them. Fill up your Heart Center with love; hate will go. Minus hate, man is great.

Time: Continue for 4 to 5 minutes.

Then think of someone you love most and send healing thoughts. This divine medicine can heal them mentally, physically, and spiritually. Begin with someone you really love and do it sincerely; your channels will open.

Once your channels are opened, you can do it at anytime for anyone. Healing thoughts can be transmitted like a wireless. Fill the whole room with them. Project. Give from your heart. It is the highest meditation to live for others.

Time: Keep up your concentration for at least 10 minutes.

To End: Then inhale deeply, fill in your chest with love and project pranas (life force) like a thunderbolt. Exhale, inhale again and send this breath to the person you are meditating on. Exhale. Inhale again, and feel the energy flowing through your hands to the person. Create this mental link. Feel this energy massaging this person. Exhale. Inhale again and be totally with that person. This will make you one with the Universal Mind. Exhale. Inhale and continue. Exhale and relax.

Those who send out good vibrations will receive ten times the amount from the Universe. You gain when you give. There is no need to pray for yourself. Pray for others and the Creator will pray for you.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

Do you remember a moment in your life when things fell apart? What was something that helped you? 

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