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Here’s something I don’t tell people often…

“Your body is an absolute mirror of your mind. As you worry, your body shows it. As you love, your body shows it. As you are overwhelmed, your body shows it. As you are angry your body shows it. Every cell of your body is being allowed or resisted by the way you feel.”
-Abraham Hicks

A few days ago while speaking to a fellow makeup artist, we got on the subject of bruxism aka teeth grinding, she shared it was something she often did in her sleep. Here’s something I don’t like to tell too many people: I used to grind my teeth at night. I’m not talking an occasional thing; it was at least 3-4 times a week and sometimes even more. I’ve been grinding my teeth since I can remember. My mom would wake me up, afraid I would break a tooth while sleeping. I was 9 when I had my first sleepover.  My friend’s mother told me that I had been grinding my teeth the entire night. She mentioned how painful it sounded. At that point, I thought everyone did it. Wasn’t this the norm?

As a child and adult, I internalized everything. In my dreams, I would try to fix my problems. I’ve always been a fixer; I try to find solutions for issues, and it would often manifest in my dreams. I would wake up so exhausted as if I hadn’t slept and my entire jaw would hurt. I would have tension headaches. I showed symptoms of having TMJ. It was a painful way to live, but I dealt with it because I knew no other way.

When I was 20, I decided to get braces. My teeth moved quickly. The jaw pain was more severe then the teeth grinding had ever been. My orthodontist started to ask if I was stressed, he could see the signs on my bottom teeth. I was living on my own while trying to build a career, paying bills, while trying to have fun. At times it was all overwhelming. He suggested I find some outlet to deal with my worries. I listened and thanked him for the advice but of course, continued. I didn’t know how to live life any other way.

When I met my husband, I warned him of my habit. I was mortified to have to tell him. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was uncomfortable and worried that I would wake him up, and the more I worried, the more it happened. There were times when my husband would gently shake me. He would whisper “you were grinding your teeth.”He was concerned for me but wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t sure what to do, it had become a part of me and I didn’t know how to live without it.

One day while getting a routine checkup the dentist suggested wearing a night guard. He insisted that I wear it every single night. It was so uncomfortable that I found myself removing it in the middle of the night. It also seemed to ruin my outlet. I had a weird attachment to the act of grinding my teeth. It was as if I was punishing myself. Even in my sleep, I was trying to control things.  I needed to find a solution; I began to research my options.  I was on the verge of severally damaging all of the expensive dental work I had done. It was sobering to realize that all of the money I’ve spent on dental work was essential being ruined by something I felt I had no control over.

I asked my dentist about botox. He thought it was a good option. A week later I was at a medispa getting botox on my jaw. The results only lasted for six months. I decided to try a more natural approach, so I tried acupuncture.  Instantly I felt relief, but there were still days were I got woken up by my husband. I began to do more yoga and meditate. As I gradually learned to manage stress the grinding decreased. I let go of the need to control and attachment to the outcome. I made an effort to consciously pay attention to the thoughts and words I was saying to myself. All of the tension seemed to melt away. I was more relaxed and happy.

I’m happy to say that it’s been almost two years since I’ve woken up with a sore jaw and both my husband and teeth are extremely thankful. The act that plagued me for most of my life is now a distant memory. My anxiety has been replaced with a knowing that no matter what I will be ok. We store all of our fears and insecurities in our subconscious, manifesting in different ways. Our mind makes up different solutions and scenarios, transforming reality into nightmares. Forgetting to breathe, relax and to be. If you’re feeling overwhelmed here are a few exercises that will help you relax. When you quiet the mind, your inner voice can guide you.


Neck Rolls: Roll the neck slowly in one direction and then in the other. Let the weight of the head move the head around. Do this very methodically so that you go slowing through tight spots and work out areas of tension. At least one minute in each direction.
To end: After this exercise, sit quietly and be with the sensations in your body and spine.

Neck Turns (1 min each)Remain sitting in Easy Pose with the hands on the knees. Inhale and turn your head to the left, and exhale and turn it to the right, like shaking your head “no.” Continue (1 min). Then reverse your breath, so that you inhale and turn to the right; exhale and turn to the left. Continue (1 min). 
To End, inhale deeply, concentrate at the brow point, and slowly exhale.

 Here is an article about the effects of yoga on the brain: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychiatry-the-people/201901/how-yoga-and-breathing-help-the-brain-unwind

Acupuncture and TMJ: https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/maxillofacial/tmj/acupuncture-new-approach-temporomandibular-disorders

Remember you are not your circumstances, anxiety or situation. Sending you so much love!

xoxoxox E

You don’t need to makeup for anything
My wonderful family and friends

It’s been three months since I completed my Kundalini teacher training (yay) and it’s taken me that length of time to process the transformation and realizations I had throughout the ten months of training.  A day before graduating we were asked to give a speech and pick a quote that inspired us. As soon as I picked up my book the pages landed to this quote:

“You don’t need make-up; you don’t need to make up for anything. You are known by your spirit. You shall project out by your radiance. You shall be loved and honored by your excellence.” -Yogi Bhajan   

I was shocked; this quote embodied what I had been I had been feeling for as long as I can remember. Had I been trying to make up for something? I wanted to be known for my spirit rather but I wasn’t sure how. Years ago when I first got into the beauty industry (and I won’t tell you how long it’s been), I realized something. After hearing the stories from countless people in my chair, something was undeniable: they were there because they wanted to look and feel better.

Many of the same stories were echoed by clients that had never met. There were countless bad relationships, complicated family dynamics, partners who were too afraid to commit and the list goes on and on. Many shared the feeling that they were doing so much yet like it wasn’t enough. It was evident that these situations changed how they perceived life and even shook their self-worth. It made most question every aspect of themselves. I knew all too well this feeling; I was going through my own storm.

I got into the beauty industry to uplift others, but to be honest it was difficult for me to uplift myself. I had a routine where I would get up shower, put on my clothes, apply makeup and go about my day, pretending that everything was ok. I moved through life in a numb manner. I was focusing so much on my external appearance that the inner me was neglected.  I had lost touch with my essence. It affected my decision making and every aspect of my life; I was so bogged down with past hurt that I couldn’t listen to my intuition.

The day I walked into my first Kundalini class I had no idea what to expect. We ran in place, chanted and meditated, it was one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had. All of the years of stored behaviors began to fall away. In the end, I felt such a release of emotions I cried. I walked out beaming. That day I started to take measures to come back home to myself, to let my inner glow shine through — all without a lick of makeup. Slowly the years of pain began to melt away.

As humans we let things that happen weigh heavily on us, we let it dull our sparkle and radiance. We hide the inner beauty we possess and steadily hold on to pain and disappointments as if our life depends on it. We tell lies to ourselves and speak poorly. We become our own worst critic, cutting ourselves down before anyone else can. We forgot to tap into our own personal power and feel like we need to continuously make up for something we believe we lack.

The more we suppress our inner beauty, the further we get away from our purpose. You are enough and perfect exactly as you are.

Here are some ways to be more radiant:  

Dance- moving releases endorphins that send signals to your brain that promote euphoria, happiness and high pain tolerance just to name a few.

Cry- crying releases toxins and alleviates stress and aids in the production of endorphins and oxytocin, which are often known as the “feel good chemicals”.

Meditate- meditation helps to de-stress and decreases blood pressure. It can also help boost your immune system, increase memory and awareness and improve your overall sense of well being.

Yoga- not only is yoga a great way to stay fit, it’s a way to strengthen the connection between the body, mind, and spirit. When we stregthen that connection it’s possible to move through life with ease.

Speak kindly to yourself- the words you say can either tear you down or lift you up. Your words create your reality.

Listen to your intuition- stop second-guessing yourself and really listen to your inner guidance.

Apply your makeup with intention- use it as an accessory and not a crutch.

Do something kind- find a stranger or someone in your life. By serving others you’ll find that you also serve yourself.

Slow down and breath- you can change your mood and your outlook by controling your breath.

Need a meditation? Try this for radiance and ease

https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/chakras/eight-major-chakras/meditation-radiance-and-ease

Watch a portion of my graduation video:https://www.instagram.com/p/BsxBhvmABVW/

You are enough!

Love E xoxox

When the holidays overwhelm you


 

     For years the holidays would send me into an anxiety-filled depression. It would always begin slowly and without warning. I would start to get sensitive than the mood swings with come. There are times where I would even pick fights with loved ones. Subconsciously I was trying to take the focus off of how I was feeling. The holidays always made me feel uncomfortable. For many years I couldn’t understand why I felt so unsettled, why everything always seemed to bubble up. There’s something about the hustle and bustle of this time that sets emotions on fire. Tensions become high, emotions begin to surface. The happiest time of the year for many becomes the worse. The holidays can serve as a reminder of the dysfunction some face in their lives, the people they’ve lost and the relationships they wish they had.     

  Growing up there wasn’t a significant focus on the holidays. For many years it was my mother and I celebrating with whatever friend she had at the time, there were some years where she was in good terms with her sisters, and we would spend the holidays with them. Then there were the years where she dated Jim my Father figure and we would celebrate as a family. The most cherished memories I have are from this time of my life. I was heartbroken when they broke up, I felt as if the only family I knew was shattered. In adulthood I found myself spending the holidays with friends and their families. I would come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t go back home, but no matter how much I tried to avoid my feelings they would always show up announced. 

   In my late 20s, I began to realize that unless I healed and created harmony within myself, nothing would ever be right. I would continue to feel unhappy, unworthy, and unstable. I would carry these feelings in every situation, and I did. I allowed it to skew my perception of reality. To shift my perspective quickly from joy to sadness. I was taking for granted the beauty in my life. I was being ungrateful and in my ungratefulness, I was taking so many things for granted. I realized that I had so much to be thankful for and that once I changed my thinking the possibilities were endless. It’s easy to forget all of the blessings in life and focus on the negative.  All of the hard moments in past have happened for my highest good and exactly as they should because without these moments I could never experience and know what happiness is. 

 

The holidays may leave you feeling overwhelmed, with many different feelings surfacing. Allow them to come, honor them and let them go. Be gentle with yourself and those around you.

 
  No matter what you’ve been through it is possible to create harmony within yourself but it all begins with you. Remember you can control your outcome, you hold the power to change your life. This Thanksgiving and throughout the next year I challenge you to remember to make a point to practice gratitude. In a notebook write something good that’s happened to you, leave it by your bed and open anytime you need a reminder. 

 

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”- Oprah Winfrey

Here are 11 things I’m thankful for:
1. My husband
2. Gigi, she teaches me about patience and unconditional love every day 
3. My spiritual practice 
4. The ability to forgive
5. Having a husband/friends who push me even when I resist it the most 
6. The community I’ve built 
7. My family 
8. My sensitivity 
9. My body and how it supports me
10.My breath and the ability to change my mood
11.The ability to experience the beauty of a sunrise and sunset and with it new beginnings 
 
If you’re feeling overwhelmed take a moment to breathe. Here’s a beautiful meditation that will help you through any challenges you may be facing. 
This meditation is especially useful for dealing with stressful relationships and with past family issues. It addresses phobias, fears, and neuroses. It can remove unsettling thoughts from the past that surface into the present. It can take difficult situations in the present and release them into the Hands of Infinity.
Posture: Sit in Easy Pose with a straight spine.
Mudra: Place the hands at the center of the chest with the tips of the thumbs touching each other and each of the fingers touching the corresponding fingers on the opposite hand. Leave space between the palms. The fingertips are pointing upward.
Eye Focus: Look at the tip of the nose.
Breath: Breath 4 times per minute: inhale 5 seconds, hold 5 seconds, exhale 5 seconds.
Time: Continue for 11 minutes or until you feel relief from the stress.
Source: https://www.3ho.org/3ho-lifestyle/authentic-relationships/stress-relief-and-clearing-emotions-past 
What are some things that you’re thankful for? I’d love to hear it!
Happy Thanksgiving!
 
How to get in touch with your inner child

My 4th Birthday

 

“The most sophisticated people I know-inside they are children.” Jim Henson

  It’s taken me nearly 32 years to experience childhood. I was one of the few kids that would talk to adults as if they were my peers. I had a severe case of only child syndrome. I would talk about current events, the type of career and job I would have and where I would live. I felt alienated from those my age as if I had nothing in common with them. Frankly, I viewed other kids as immature, and I was not going to invest my time in them. I would get bored playing with stuffed animals or dolls because they couldn’t talk back. Of course I still had an imagination, but I was always in tune with reality, often times too in tune with what was happening around me. Adults would comment on how mature I acted, a compliment that actually felt like something I had to live up to. It shaped me into the adult I am today. I didn’t want to let anyone down by acting too childlike so instead I molded myself into someone who was almost always composed. I needed to be the perfect child, both in my eyes and in everyone else’s. 

  It was like there were two versions of me: the fearless optimist, and the girl afraid of making a fool of herself. I had difficulties being silly and letting go, but when I did, I would transform. My imagination would run wild. I felt as if I could do anything, achieve anything. I had no obstacle, my past and present did not define me. Then I would be visited by the girl afraid of failing, the one who was terrified of making a fool of herself. She gave up learning how to ride a bike because she felt too old (I was 14) was insecure in her ability to learn how to swim (I was 6) and was afraid of what people would say. She was so fearful of letting her mother down. Of being too different. I was in a constant battle with myself.

  There were times I felt like I had to mother my mother. She would often confide in me, pulling me into her world. Drifting me away from my own imagination and reality. Being a single parent was extremely stressful for my her, and there were moments we worried about what we would eat and how we would afford the rent. In my childlike faith, and innocence I would encourage my mother, tell her everything was going to be ok. I had no other choice but to believe that we would be taken care of.  In my heart, I knew that no matter what we would make it through. We would overcome the circumstances and persevere. At times I dreamed of someone saving us, and I know she did too. 

   At the age of 9, my mother and I became homeless. We arrived at an intake shelter in the Bronx. We were in a large room with hundreds of woman and children. We were all in limbo waiting to be taken to different locations. We slept on the floor with the lights on during the night. The flu was going around making it difficult to sleep. My mother and I got extremely sick. I remember feeling so much shame. After a few days, we were moved to another location. An old converted hospital.I would wake up from the screaming and yelling in the hallway. The unrest and tension hanging thickly in the air, spreading throughout the building. We were moved two more times before we got our apartment. It was the longest most stressful year of my life. 

  I reached adulthood in an almost exhausted state. The reality of everything that had happened weighing heavily on my psyche. I couldn’t seem to shake it off, and it followed me in my early adult years. I had a difficult time laughing at myself or even relaxing. I always felt on edge. My true self remained hidden, waiting to be unleashed. Occasionally she would show up and say hello, she was begging to be let out. In my late twenties, something started to shift. I began to care less of what people thought of me and the less I cared, the more honest and caring people I attracted.

   My husband and I recently went on vacation with friends who have a wonderful 2-year-old son. He is one of the most loving, kindest and fun little boys I know. As I spent time with him I learned a lot about myself in the process. Anytime he stumbles he brushes himself off and continues.He doesn’t allow minor setbacks to get in the way of what he wants to accomplish. He lives in the present and isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself. He loves unconditionally and without reservation. He is straightforward with what he likes and dislikes.  Most importantly he isn’t scared of having fun and lots of it. During those 5 days, we made a fort out of an ottoman, ran while screaming (that was him) and blast in the playground hammock (that was me).  I was able to awaken the child in me and remember my essence. 

 

  Something that’s become very evident to me in the last few years is that no matter how old you are, your inner child will always remain. Just like in childhood it needs to be nurtured and loved. To be told that everything will be all right. That we can achieve everything our heart desires. In adulthood, it’s easy to become jaded and keep note of the people/things that have wounded us. We hold on to things that we can’t change, only hurting ourselves in the process.  I’ve decided I’ve had enough of adulthood and I want to dedicate myself to being in touch with my inner kid. Will you join me?

“I’m happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.” James Broughton

Inner child action plan:  

Laugh often at yourself

Do something unexpected

Find your innocence 

Dance/sing even if you’re offbeat/key 

Love without being afraid of being wounded 

Dream

Play in the ocean with a loved one

Get dirty (however, you see fit)

Be around children, pay attention and learn from them

Take frequent breaks from technology, be in nature

Be happy, it’s your birthright!

Let go 

Be present

 

Did you know that you can get in touch with your innocence through meditation? Start by closing your eyes. Lay down or sit in easy pose. Visualize yourself as a child, surrounding yourself with unconditional love. Begin to send healing energy to yourself, giving the love and encouragement you wished you had. Make sure to say how proud you are of your accomplishments. Slowly inhale and exhale. You can meditate in this position for as little as 3-11 minutes. Write down how you feel afterward. 

Me too
  I remember our first interaction. He was tall and a bit chubby. He wore oversized clothes and was average at best. I walked into church, and like a moth to a flame he zoned in. He was a youth leader in the youth group. “You should come to youth group” I remember feeling like he might be interested in me but brushed him off, so he found some common ground: our mutual faith in God. Slowly he began to earn my trust. He paid attention to the issues I had with my mom. She was overprotective, and I was extremely sheltered. I was trying to break free. Things between my mother and I rapidly went downhill. We were constantly fighting. I was 16. He was almost 21.
  At 16 I thought that living in NYC had prepared me for the world. I was stubborn and strong-willed. My mother tried to warn me about him, but there were times he had us both fooled. He was worldly and streetsmart and had come from a rough upbringing. A past riddled with substance abuse and failure. He had found the church and seemed to be overcoming his circumstances. He appeared steadfast in his faith, and that’s how I began to trust him.
  We seemed to share a bond, he would always tell me how mature I was. He made me feel unique and valued. We continued our friendship until it began to develop into something more. I started sneaking behind my mothers back to see him. I was adamant about waiting until I was married to have sex and would make this clear often. In my immaturity, I thought I had control of the situation. He agreed to help me wait, I felt safe and understood. I had established a boundary and felt at ease, so much so that I had complete and utter trust. I was in control of the relationship or so I thought. The relationship between my mother and I continued to worsen, he was the first one I would call, and in a way, he turned into an escape.
  He caught me in my most vulnerable state. There was never a conversation of consent, it just happened, and as I realized what was happening, I left my body. I was too immobilized to say no until it was too late. There was a mirror in the room, and I remember immediately crying while catching my reflection. In a state of shock, I left not remembering how I got home. As soon as I arrived my mother knew something was wrong. I waited until she was gone to lay on the floor and cry. I felt worthless. My reality crumbled. My sense of self was destroyed.
  I went back again. I couldn’t process my pain. I had lost everything. It was as if the veil had lifted and it was the first time I could see him clearly for who he was. Someone who had manipulated, groomed me, taken advantage of my naivety. Someone who did not honor my word. He had stolen the most important thing to me. I broke up with him and told him I wasn’t ready for the type of relationship he wanted, but truthfully I knew that if I remained there, it would lead to years of abuse and mistreatment. He had succeeded in breaking me down and even at the age of 16 I knew this was a dangerous place to be.
  He would see me at church and try to approach me, and every time he would get near me I would get visibly upset. It wasn’t long until my mother asked if something had happened between us. She almost fainted when I told her, and in this state went to talk to the youth pastor who brushed her off. She felt utterly alone and unsupported. She would often shift from blaming herself to blaming me. She wanted to get the police involved, but like many victims, I felt shame and even some responsibility for what happened. If I hadn’t trusted him if I hadn’t put myself in that situation if I hadn’t been dumb enough to believe him this wouldn’t have happened. How can I trust anyone? Who will love me? These are the things I told myself for years.
“1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact at some point in their lives. Statistics underestimate the problem because many victims do not tell the police, family, or friends about the violence.”
  I spent years hating myself. I had associated my worth and beauty to how pure I was, and once that was gone, I felt like I had nothing left. I had this incessant need to have to prove to him that he had not broken me. I kept in touch, wanting to show that I had survived and was thriving. Countless times I reached out to him. I needed my truth to be heard. He was in denial and would often say “They tore us apart, I loved you so much.”  Never admitting what he had done.
“Sexual violence (SV) is a significant problem in the United States. SV refers to sexual activity when consent is not obtained or not given freely. Anyone can experience SV, but most victims are female. The person responsible for the violence is typically male and usually someone known to the victim. The person can be but is not limited to, a friend, intimate partner, coworker, neighbor, or family member.”
  Recently I was looking back at our old messages. I was able to see my growth and remember how far I’ve come. I saw the 21-year-old year who was still hurt and looking for an apology, then the 25-year-old who was pretending to be happy and finally one of our last conversations.  I was 29 and newly engaged. I felt that through it all I had finally found happiness and for the first time he didn’t respond.
  Sprinkled in our conversations was the reality of what happened, I would tell him how he had taken advantage of me and how wrong it was but could never say the words “I was raped,” and that I was a victim of sexual violence. He never acknowledged what I was saying instead he would say “I’m sorry you feel as if I hurt you, that was never my intent.” He would try to suck me in by telling me about his life. In the 16 years since, I failed to pay attention to all of the shitty things that happened in his life. No matter how hard he tried his life was always a disaster and he seemed to always blame his circumstances, even despite his near death experiences.
  I accidentally gave the conversation a thumbs up. I quickly deleted it, but as fate would have it, he responded. He began to tell me what a mess his life was and the current “hoe”  he had dated and how he keeps attracting the crazies. He was precisely the same person he had always been, but I wasn’t the same. He viewed himself as a victim and for years I had too. He mentioned that I had walked away unscathed. This triggered me. In an instant, he dismissed all of the years of hurt, the abuse he had done, the impact he had.  I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never receive the apology I deserve.
  It’s taken me years to feel whole again. For far too long he was a ghost in my life, ever present in the choices I made and the way I felt about myself.  It’s been a long road to recovery with many years of healing but I’ve learned to forgive myself and most importatly to love myself again.
  This was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written about but in light of what’s been happening I felt compelled to share my story. It’s time we begin to speak freely because this is the only way we can change things.
  If you’re reading this and you’ve had something similar happen to you know that you’re not alone.
Sending you love, light and healing energy xoxox
Are you or someone you know a victim?
Rape, Abuse and Incest National Hotline
1.800.656.HOPE  |  www.rainn.org
Planned Parenthood
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or 1.800.787.3224 |  www.thehotline.org
When things fall apart

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve spoken to my mother, I’d like to say that it’s the first time but regrettably it’s not. Throughout the years there have been stretches of silence and many times without a reason. There are moments where she tries to regain her role as a mother, become my best friend calling me constantly. She’ll tell me that she loves me, shifting from silence to a suffocating love. In the past I would take those moments as hope that things have changed, that perhaps we could establish some sort of relationship. Sadly it’s these very moments where I tread lightly because I know that it will be short lived. I know she will become upset about something and not speak to me for months. It’s in those moments of silence that I learn the most about myself.

My relationship with my Mother has always been a difficult one. It’s hard to see someone constantly fall apart and have respect for them. Growing up she would constantly ask me for advice and many times I felt that I had to encompass the role of the responsible adult, something I deeply resented. Someone who was constantly left picking up the pieces. The glue that held everything together. I don’t remember ever feeling as if I was a child, I was always worried about her and what would happen to us. I desperately wanted to fix her and take her pain away. Back then it was difficult to see that my mother had been shoved into a role of parenthood that she was ill prepared for, and that she was doing the best she could while dealing terribly with her past.

From a young age I was very aware of how present her past was in our lives. She was very open about her abuse as a child bringing to light the severity of things. At times I felt like her therapist. I urged her to seek help, but she would insist that she was healed. It often left me wondering if she would ever be ok. During those early years I vowed I would never allow my circumstances to determine the person I was. I would grow up and do things differently, never allow hurt to have a standing place in my life. My idealistic mind said many things but I hadn’t experience the pain my mother had. I was just experiencing the painful aftermath. I’m ashamed to say that I judged her immensely. I didn’t realize then that when judge we feed into the very thing we dislike. We give it attention and slowly it becomes part of our reality.

I grew up in a very strict, religious home and although I believed everything I was taught I couldn’t understand why she was still so broken. If God heals all, why wasn’t she healed? Why did she struggle with anxiety attacks? Why did I feel like the adult all the time? We lived our lives isolated from family and the world. I remember moments when my Aunts would come and visit because they hadn’t seen us in a long time. She would pretend we weren’t home. Then there were moments when we would all be together as a family, then someone would say something and a fight would ensue. They were concerned about us, but my mother didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps she didn’t want to face them because they were a reminder of her past and all of the terrible things that had happened to her.

When I was 16 we moved to Denver, Colorado and as I began to change our relationship suffered severely. It was then things began to dissolve. We were constantly fighting and the stress of work and school was almost too unbearable. While I wouldn’t define myself as a rebellious kid, I had an opinion and possessed a sense of strength my mother often relied on. I viewed college as my only way out, and as I began applying to colleges I know she felt utterly alone. The idea of me leaving scared her and in her own way she didn’t want to be left, but instead be the person to decide when I would leave. A few months after I turned 18 she kicked me out. “Get the hell out of my house! Aren’t you tired of me telling you to leave? Aren’t you embarrassed to still be here?!”  Those words stung me to the core. It was just the two of us and I felt so betrayed.

“For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor. There is no freedom which is free. To create in you the power to create the intelligence which will give you power to be effect in your own living and give you satisfaction in your own joy. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.”

-Yogi Bhajan 

In the midst of our fight she called a friend. M became a saving grace, a light in the darkness. She asked to speak to me. I was crying, almost hyperventilating. My world was crumbling. She told me to calm down and begin to gather some things. “You need some space from each other. I’ll tell her you’re coming over for a few day and then you’ll be back to grab the rest of your things at another time.”  Surprisingly my mother thought it was a great idea, perhaps she thought that if I left I would come running back home begging for forgiveness but that was not the case. As soon as I left I felt a heaviness lift. M took me in and treated me with grace and unconditional love. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and for many years after I had a hard time receiving it. She taught me acceptance and at 18 that was one of the greatest lessons I could learn.

When things fall apart it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be difficult to not replay the hurt and wonder why, or how things could be different. Instead of moving on we end up creating more damage for ourselves and our loved ones. We push them away and base our current experiences on the past ones instead of trusting that the outcome will be different. When things fall apart they do so to fall back together, stronger and exactly as they should.  All of the things that have happened in my life have lead me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have found a career that helps me accentuate the true beauty of others. I wouldn’t have moved to California, met my soul mate or discovered a beautiful practice through Kundalini Yoga. I would never know what it means to be joyful, because without pain we will never be able to appreciate and accept the beauty in our lives.

I’d like to say that I’ve completely forgiven my mother but I’ll be candid and say that I’m a work in progress and forgiveness doesn’t automatically come. It’s something that I work on daily. There’s no doubt in my mind that in her own way my mother loves me. She did the best she could with the tools that she had. When someone has hurt you the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious decision to forgive them, and in doing so you break the invisible hold they have on you. You give space for miraculous things to happen in your life and to have the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Here’s a powerful mediation that will assist you in sending healing thoughts to yourself or someone who’s hurt you:

 

Sending Healing Thoughts Meditation

Posture and Mudra: Sit in Easy Pose and place the hands in Prayer Pose (palms together at the center of the chest).

Focus: Concentrate at the Heart Center. Press the hands tightly together and press the total weight of the body against them. Fill up your Heart Center with love; hate will go. Minus hate, man is great.

Time: Continue for 4 to 5 minutes.

Then think of someone you love most and send healing thoughts. This divine medicine can heal them mentally, physically, and spiritually. Begin with someone you really love and do it sincerely; your channels will open.

Once your channels are opened, you can do it at anytime for anyone. Healing thoughts can be transmitted like a wireless. Fill the whole room with them. Project. Give from your heart. It is the highest meditation to live for others.

Time: Keep up your concentration for at least 10 minutes.

To End: Then inhale deeply, fill in your chest with love and project pranas (life force) like a thunderbolt. Exhale, inhale again and send this breath to the person you are meditating on. Exhale. Inhale again, and feel the energy flowing through your hands to the person. Create this mental link. Feel this energy massaging this person. Exhale. Inhale again and be totally with that person. This will make you one with the Universal Mind. Exhale. Inhale and continue. Exhale and relax.

Those who send out good vibrations will receive ten times the amount from the Universe. You gain when you give. There is no need to pray for yourself. Pray for others and the Creator will pray for you.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

Do you remember a moment in your life when things fell apart? What was something that helped you? 

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