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People will forget what you did but never how you made them feel

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

“I want to work to do makeup on set.” I had lived in LA for less than a year. I was working in a restaurant waiting for my cosmetology license to transfer when I decided that I would no longer go back to a salon life. I enjoyed working in a salon, but I needed a change of pace. I wanted to be a part of what I saw on television, so I turned my focus on freelancing on set. I didn’t know how I would make it, but I knew I was right where I was supposed to be. I had no idea what this entailed or how I would do it, but I trusted that it would happen. A few months after moving to LA I went through a breakup and was looking to rent a room. As chance would have it, I ended up living in Venice with someone who would give me the connections I needed. This was the start of everything.

My first job on set was assisting a very colorful makeup artist on a Disney shoot. This particular artist was known for having emotional outbursts while on set. As an observer, I would notice how the crew and talent would react around this. One moment he would be happy, then the next he would begin screaming, and the entire mood would change. The air would thicken, and everyone around him would tense up. I had moments where I didn’t know if I should continue, yet I had this burning desire to see where this path would take me. After some time I landed on my first solo show. I made more connections and made sure that I applied all of the knowledge I learned while assisting. I introduced myself to every person on the crew and that I always spoke kindly. I would be the person I wish I had while assisting.

Early in my career, I realized how powerful words and touch are. There are times where my clients will share things that they wouldn’t share with their therapist, making a connecting that spans past the hair or makeup service. Clients will share their happiest moments and also unload all of their insecurities and worries. I’m a profoundly empathetic person who feels how others are feeling like my own. I began to notice a pattern between my work and interaction with clients. If I had an off day something would be off in either the service or communication. I would carry the guilt of this interaction for a long time, beating myself up for what I should have said or did. I didn’t know to turn the empathy off, it was a blessing yet a curse. It made me more relatable, but I also felt like I was continuously carrying unseen baggage.

Every day for the last 2 years I’ve meditated consistently. It’s been my saving grace and the reason that I’m able to serve others. Whenever I meditate, I unload all of the garbage that I’ve been holding on to and clear my mind. I can handle stressful situations without cracking, and I’m a better listener. If you’re in a career where you’re of service to others self-care is vital. Before starting any job I take a few moments in my car to breath, setting my intention for the day. I’ve even gone to the bathroom in stressful situations and gathered my thoughts, taking some moments to meditate and clear my emotions. Returning more calm and graceful than I left.

Here are a some self-care tips:

Make a conscious decision to breathe, when we are in stressful situations we have a tendency to hold our breaths. When we hold our breaths we stop precious life force energy that will carry us through difficulties.

If you’re around negative people, acknowledge the negativity as theirs and not your own and breath.

Get massages often. Energy gets trapped in the body, leaving us fatigued. Massage helps to loosen the muscles and relax.

Be alone in nature with your own thoughts.

Be kind to yourself so that you can be kind to others.

Your energy and words impact those around you. Whether you realize it or not you have a direct effect on what happens around you. The way you speak and interact with others not only leaves a lasting impression, but it dictates how your future will be. Your energy can make a difference to someone’s day. Know that you can change the situation you’re in simply with your thought and breath. You are more powerful than you realize.

Here is a wonderful meditation to help you through stressful times:

One Minute Breath

Sit in a meditation posture. Inhale for 20 seconds, hold for 20 seconds, exhale for 20 seconds. If this is too difficult inhale for 10 seconds, hold for 10 seconds, exhale for 10 seconds.

Benefits

Optimized cooperation between the brain hemispheres
Dramatic calming of anxiety, fear and worry
Openness to feeling one’s presence and the presence of spirit
Intuition develops
The whole brain works, especially the old brain and the frontal hemispheres

*source https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/pranayam/one-minute-breath
Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who didn’t love herself…

Happy Valentine’s Day from the girl who didn’t love herself for years. Who didn’t know her own worth or didn’t want to believe it. Who looked for validation from other’s and couldn’t find it within. Who spent countless hours, days and years trying to please other people, yet failed to realize that the only one she needed to please was herself.

Who never thought that she would find love and how could she when she had a difficult time being in love with who she was. Who finally woke up one day and decided she had enough. Who decided to see her own beauty, and it wasn’t the external kind. Who began to love herself so deeply that she began to create the life she always wanted. Who found the love of her life (herself) then was able to find the light of her soul. Who now knows how to love immensely and with that love how to forgive.

So on this day of love, don’t forget to love yourself first and foremost. Fill your own cup before filling others, if you come from an abundant place, you’ll be able to better serve others. Be gentle with yourself always, yet strive for excellence. Take what others think with a grain of salt if they don’t except you for who you are they have no room in your life.

Stop second guessing yourself, your intuition will guide you through life choices. Learn how to be alone and take your own advice. Spend time knowing and loving yourself the way you’ve always wanted and deserve. 
The love you receive is the love you give you, the people we attract are the direct reflection of what we either think we lack or believe of ourselves. Are you giving yourself the love you are seeking from others?

Here’s a simple exercise you can do to as a reminder of how awesome and loveable you are.Write 5 thing you love about yourself . 

Here’s my list: 

I love my persistence

I love my resilience 

I love my ability to connect with others

I love my creativity 

I love my sassiness

Make your own list and be sure to leave them in the comments below. 

Spoil yourself today. Eat the chocolate you’ve been eyeing (or has been eyeing you), take a long hot shower, curl on the couch with a cup of tea, watch Netflix, read or listen to that book you’ve been putting off. Fall in love with yourself all over again. 


I can’t wait to read all of the things you love about yourself!

You are deserving of so much love, wishing you love now and always xoxoxo 

“Love yourself as much as you want to be loved by others”  -Nino Varimashvili
Here’s something I don’t tell people often…

“Your body is an absolute mirror of your mind. As you worry, your body shows it. As you love, your body shows it. As you are overwhelmed, your body shows it. As you are angry your body shows it. Every cell of your body is being allowed or resisted by the way you feel.”
-Abraham Hicks

A few days ago while speaking to a fellow makeup artist, we got on the subject of bruxism aka teeth grinding, she shared it was something she often did in her sleep. Here’s something I don’t like to tell too many people: I used to grind my teeth at night. I’m not talking an occasional thing; it was at least 3-4 times a week and sometimes even more. I’ve been grinding my teeth since I can remember. My mom would wake me up, afraid I would break a tooth while sleeping. I was 9 when I had my first sleepover.  My friend’s mother told me that I had been grinding my teeth the entire night. She mentioned how painful it sounded. At that point, I thought everyone did it. Wasn’t this the norm?

As a child and adult, I internalized everything. In my dreams, I would try to fix my problems. I’ve always been a fixer; I try to find solutions for issues, and it would often manifest in my dreams. I would wake up so exhausted as if I hadn’t slept and my entire jaw would hurt. I would have tension headaches. I showed symptoms of having TMJ. It was a painful way to live, but I dealt with it because I knew no other way.

When I was 20, I decided to get braces. My teeth moved quickly. The jaw pain was more severe then the teeth grinding had ever been. My orthodontist started to ask if I was stressed, he could see the signs on my bottom teeth. I was living on my own while trying to build a career, paying bills, while trying to have fun. At times it was all overwhelming. He suggested I find some outlet to deal with my worries. I listened and thanked him for the advice but of course, continued. I didn’t know how to live life any other way.

When I met my husband, I warned him of my habit. I was mortified to have to tell him. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was uncomfortable and worried that I would wake him up, and the more I worried, the more it happened. There were times when my husband would gently shake me. He would whisper “you were grinding your teeth.”He was concerned for me but wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t sure what to do, it had become a part of me and I didn’t know how to live without it.

One day while getting a routine checkup the dentist suggested wearing a night guard. He insisted that I wear it every single night. It was so uncomfortable that I found myself removing it in the middle of the night. It also seemed to ruin my outlet. I had a weird attachment to the act of grinding my teeth. It was as if I was punishing myself. Even in my sleep, I was trying to control things.  I needed to find a solution; I began to research my options.  I was on the verge of severally damaging all of the expensive dental work I had done. It was sobering to realize that all of the money I’ve spent on dental work was essential being ruined by something I felt I had no control over.

I asked my dentist about botox. He thought it was a good option. A week later I was at a medispa getting botox on my jaw. The results only lasted for six months. I decided to try a more natural approach, so I tried acupuncture.  Instantly I felt relief, but there were still days were I got woken up by my husband. I began to do more yoga and meditate. As I gradually learned to manage stress the grinding decreased. I let go of the need to control and attachment to the outcome. I made an effort to consciously pay attention to the thoughts and words I was saying to myself. All of the tension seemed to melt away. I was more relaxed and happy.

I’m happy to say that it’s been almost two years since I’ve woken up with a sore jaw and both my husband and teeth are extremely thankful. The act that plagued me for most of my life is now a distant memory. My anxiety has been replaced with a knowing that no matter what I will be ok. We store all of our fears and insecurities in our subconscious, manifesting in different ways. Our mind makes up different solutions and scenarios, transforming reality into nightmares. Forgetting to breathe, relax and to be. If you’re feeling overwhelmed here are a few exercises that will help you relax. When you quiet the mind, your inner voice can guide you.


Neck Rolls: Roll the neck slowly in one direction and then in the other. Let the weight of the head move the head around. Do this very methodically so that you go slowing through tight spots and work out areas of tension. At least one minute in each direction.
To end: After this exercise, sit quietly and be with the sensations in your body and spine.

Neck Turns (1 min each)Remain sitting in Easy Pose with the hands on the knees. Inhale and turn your head to the left, and exhale and turn it to the right, like shaking your head “no.” Continue (1 min). Then reverse your breath, so that you inhale and turn to the right; exhale and turn to the left. Continue (1 min). 
To End, inhale deeply, concentrate at the brow point, and slowly exhale.

 Here is an article about the effects of yoga on the brain: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychiatry-the-people/201901/how-yoga-and-breathing-help-the-brain-unwind

Acupuncture and TMJ: https://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/maxillofacial/tmj/acupuncture-new-approach-temporomandibular-disorders

Remember you are not your circumstances, anxiety or situation. Sending you so much love!

xoxoxox E

You don’t need to makeup for anything
My wonderful family and friends

It’s been three months since I completed my Kundalini teacher training (yay) and it’s taken me that length of time to process the transformation and realizations I had throughout the ten months of training.  A day before graduating we were asked to give a speech and pick a quote that inspired us. As soon as I picked up my book the pages landed to this quote:

“You don’t need make-up; you don’t need to make up for anything. You are known by your spirit. You shall project out by your radiance. You shall be loved and honored by your excellence.” -Yogi Bhajan   

I was shocked; this quote embodied what I had been I had been feeling for as long as I can remember. Had I been trying to make up for something? I wanted to be known for my spirit rather but I wasn’t sure how. Years ago when I first got into the beauty industry (and I won’t tell you how long it’s been), I realized something. After hearing the stories from countless people in my chair, something was undeniable: they were there because they wanted to look and feel better.

Many of the same stories were echoed by clients that had never met. There were countless bad relationships, complicated family dynamics, partners who were too afraid to commit and the list goes on and on. Many shared the feeling that they were doing so much yet like it wasn’t enough. It was evident that these situations changed how they perceived life and even shook their self-worth. It made most question every aspect of themselves. I knew all too well this feeling; I was going through my own storm.

I got into the beauty industry to uplift others, but to be honest it was difficult for me to uplift myself. I had a routine where I would get up shower, put on my clothes, apply makeup and go about my day, pretending that everything was ok. I moved through life in a numb manner. I was focusing so much on my external appearance that the inner me was neglected.  I had lost touch with my essence. It affected my decision making and every aspect of my life; I was so bogged down with past hurt that I couldn’t listen to my intuition.

The day I walked into my first Kundalini class I had no idea what to expect. We ran in place, chanted and meditated, it was one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had. All of the years of stored behaviors began to fall away. In the end, I felt such a release of emotions I cried. I walked out beaming. That day I started to take measures to come back home to myself, to let my inner glow shine through — all without a lick of makeup. Slowly the years of pain began to melt away.

As humans we let things that happen weigh heavily on us, we let it dull our sparkle and radiance. We hide the inner beauty we possess and steadily hold on to pain and disappointments as if our life depends on it. We tell lies to ourselves and speak poorly. We become our own worst critic, cutting ourselves down before anyone else can. We forgot to tap into our own personal power and feel like we need to continuously make up for something we believe we lack.

The more we suppress our inner beauty, the further we get away from our purpose. You are enough and perfect exactly as you are.

Here are some ways to be more radiant:  

Dance- moving releases endorphins that send signals to your brain that promote euphoria, happiness and high pain tolerance just to name a few.

Cry- crying releases toxins and alleviates stress and aids in the production of endorphins and oxytocin, which are often known as the “feel good chemicals”.

Meditate- meditation helps to de-stress and decreases blood pressure. It can also help boost your immune system, increase memory and awareness and improve your overall sense of well being.

Yoga- not only is yoga a great way to stay fit, it’s a way to strengthen the connection between the body, mind, and spirit. When we stregthen that connection it’s possible to move through life with ease.

Speak kindly to yourself- the words you say can either tear you down or lift you up. Your words create your reality.

Listen to your intuition- stop second-guessing yourself and really listen to your inner guidance.

Apply your makeup with intention- use it as an accessory and not a crutch.

Do something kind- find a stranger or someone in your life. By serving others you’ll find that you also serve yourself.

Slow down and breath- you can change your mood and your outlook by controling your breath.

Need a meditation? Try this for radiance and ease

https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/chakras/eight-major-chakras/meditation-radiance-and-ease

Watch a portion of my graduation video:https://www.instagram.com/p/BsxBhvmABVW/

You are enough!

Love E xoxox
How to get in touch with your inner child

My 4th Birthday

 

“The most sophisticated people I know-inside they are children.” Jim Henson

  It’s taken me nearly 32 years to experience childhood. I was one of the few kids that would talk to adults as if they were my peers. I had a severe case of only child syndrome. I would talk about current events, the type of career and job I would have and where I would live. I felt alienated from those my age as if I had nothing in common with them. Frankly, I viewed other kids as immature, and I was not going to invest my time in them. I would get bored playing with stuffed animals or dolls because they couldn’t talk back. Of course I still had an imagination, but I was always in tune with reality, often times too in tune with what was happening around me. Adults would comment on how mature I acted, a compliment that actually felt like something I had to live up to. It shaped me into the adult I am today. I didn’t want to let anyone down by acting too childlike so instead I molded myself into someone who was almost always composed. I needed to be the perfect child, both in my eyes and in everyone else’s. 

  It was like there were two versions of me: the fearless optimist, and the girl afraid of making a fool of herself. I had difficulties being silly and letting go, but when I did, I would transform. My imagination would run wild. I felt as if I could do anything, achieve anything. I had no obstacle, my past and present did not define me. Then I would be visited by the girl afraid of failing, the one who was terrified of making a fool of herself. She gave up learning how to ride a bike because she felt too old (I was 14) was insecure in her ability to learn how to swim (I was 6) and was afraid of what people would say. She was so fearful of letting her mother down. Of being too different. I was in a constant battle with myself.

  There were times I felt like I had to mother my mother. She would often confide in me, pulling me into her world. Drifting me away from my own imagination and reality. Being a single parent was extremely stressful for my her, and there were moments we worried about what we would eat and how we would afford the rent. In my childlike faith, and innocence I would encourage my mother, tell her everything was going to be ok. I had no other choice but to believe that we would be taken care of.  In my heart, I knew that no matter what we would make it through. We would overcome the circumstances and persevere. At times I dreamed of someone saving us, and I know she did too. 

   At the age of 9, my mother and I became homeless. We arrived at an intake shelter in the Bronx. We were in a large room with hundreds of woman and children. We were all in limbo waiting to be taken to different locations. We slept on the floor with the lights on during the night. The flu was going around making it difficult to sleep. My mother and I got extremely sick. I remember feeling so much shame. After a few days, we were moved to another location. An old converted hospital.I would wake up from the screaming and yelling in the hallway. The unrest and tension hanging thickly in the air, spreading throughout the building. We were moved two more times before we got our apartment. It was the longest most stressful year of my life. 

  I reached adulthood in an almost exhausted state. The reality of everything that had happened weighing heavily on my psyche. I couldn’t seem to shake it off, and it followed me in my early adult years. I had a difficult time laughing at myself or even relaxing. I always felt on edge. My true self remained hidden, waiting to be unleashed. Occasionally she would show up and say hello, she was begging to be let out. In my late twenties, something started to shift. I began to care less of what people thought of me and the less I cared, the more honest and caring people I attracted.

   My husband and I recently went on vacation with friends who have a wonderful 2-year-old son. He is one of the most loving, kindest and fun little boys I know. As I spent time with him I learned a lot about myself in the process. Anytime he stumbles he brushes himself off and continues.He doesn’t allow minor setbacks to get in the way of what he wants to accomplish. He lives in the present and isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself. He loves unconditionally and without reservation. He is straightforward with what he likes and dislikes.  Most importantly he isn’t scared of having fun and lots of it. During those 5 days, we made a fort out of an ottoman, ran while screaming (that was him) and blast in the playground hammock (that was me).  I was able to awaken the child in me and remember my essence. 

 

  Something that’s become very evident to me in the last few years is that no matter how old you are, your inner child will always remain. Just like in childhood it needs to be nurtured and loved. To be told that everything will be all right. That we can achieve everything our heart desires. In adulthood, it’s easy to become jaded and keep note of the people/things that have wounded us. We hold on to things that we can’t change, only hurting ourselves in the process.  I’ve decided I’ve had enough of adulthood and I want to dedicate myself to being in touch with my inner kid. Will you join me?

“I’m happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.” James Broughton

Inner child action plan:  

Laugh often at yourself

Do something unexpected

Find your innocence 

Dance/sing even if you’re offbeat/key 

Love without being afraid of being wounded 

Dream

Play in the ocean with a loved one

Get dirty (however, you see fit)

Be around children, pay attention and learn from them

Take frequent breaks from technology, be in nature

Be happy, it’s your birthright!

Let go 

Be present

 

Did you know that you can get in touch with your innocence through meditation? Start by closing your eyes. Lay down or sit in easy pose. Visualize yourself as a child, surrounding yourself with unconditional love. Begin to send healing energy to yourself, giving the love and encouragement you wished you had. Make sure to say how proud you are of your accomplishments. Slowly inhale and exhale. You can meditate in this position for as little as 3-11 minutes. Write down how you feel afterward. 
What they don’t tell you about planning a wedding

The day I was proposed to was one of the happiest days of my life. It happened on a trip to New York on July 24, 2015 while visiting family. We made arrangements to meet with my mother and little brother in Central Park. I called to confirm our meeting. As soon as I spoke to her I knew something was wrong.“Elishah, we can’t come.” She excused herself and said her husband couldn’t take her into the city. Sadly I wasn’t surprised. I had traveled all the way from California, yet she couldn’t cross the George Washington bridge to see me.

As we made our way to Central Park we stopped at a food cart to get Kebabs. Simon took out his wallet to pay, then placed his bag behind him, clearly an easy target. I reminded him that we were in New York City and that he should switch the direction of the bag. He looked at me and without saying a word brought the bag in front of him. We crossed the street and as we did Simon said “Why don’t you pick a spot?” As I started scanning a place to sit he began to absently move ahead of me, focusing on an area not quite under a tree. A little annoyed I followed, he clearly had something else on his mind, but so did I. I was busy thinking about how my mother had canceled on us last minute.

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, ” I began. He tried to change the subject but I continued “I can’t believe she didn’t come.” He hadn’t touched any of the food.” Aren’t you hungry? You’re not eating.” He shook his head no and asked what I wanted to do the rest of the day. I told him that I wanted to go to a museum and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Maybe he was so disturbed with the situation he had lost his appetite. I know I had. “You know I have this feeling that I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore” my heart dropped “Is he breaking up with me? Maybe this is too much for him to handle.” Then he continued “I want you to be my wife.” He reached into his bag and a small black box appeared. It was open and inside was a beautiful ring. He had been trying to propose for some time and I had almost ruined the moment. For the rest of the trip I was floating. I called my mother from the park and told her the good news. She was thrilled.

We returned to LA and after visiting some venues decided to have a destination wedding and get married in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. It seemed like the perfect way to spend time with our loved ones, enjoy a vacation, while celebrating our union. As I began to plan the wedding a feeling of loneliness began to creep in. No one told me that wedding planning would be lonely, or that it would bring to light all of my insecurities. That people in my life would have opinions on how I should have my wedding and others would abandon me when I needed them the most. I was bothered by the fact that my mother wasn’t there to help me through the process, something I had dreamed of for so long. Most of my friends thought that I had everything under control, like it was magically taken care of. All we had to do was show up. A few saw how much time I spent planning and coordinating things and only a couple offered to help. No one seemed to really understand the struggles I felt, the things that were coming up for me, but how could they? From the outside I seemed to have it together. I began to close myself off. It was as if I were drowning in my anxiety and to make matters worse I realized how fractured my relationship really was with my mother and the more planning I did the more it became blatantly obvious.

I realized early on that my mother would not be attending the wedding, which was something that deeply saddened me. I would frequently speak to my aunt on the phone and she would try to soothe me but it was only temporary. The old feelings would return and I would feel sad again. I was always in a bad mood. This was suppose to be one of the happiest times of my life yet I was absolutely miserably. My husband to be tried to be supportive, but often times didn’t know how to help. Instead he patiently listened and offered advice when he could. Then there were times where I felt misunderstood and doubt would begin to make its way in. The closer the wedding approached the more it showed on my skin. Concerned I visited a dermatologist “I can prescribe you something, but this is stress related.” I had paid a professional to tell me something I had known all along. Guests began to cancel left and right, some without saying a word. 2 bridesmaids back out 6 weeks before the wedding and that was only a few things that went wrong. I was emotionally spent.

The day of the wedding was bittersweet. I spoke to my mother as I got ready, but felt almost numb to the fact that she wasn’t there. My aunts tried to take my mind off of her absence by dancing and joking around. Something I desperately needed. It was surreal that she wasn’t there despite getting married in the country that she is from. The day was almost perfect, with a few mishaps yet it didn’t matter. That morning I had decided to surrender and remain calm. I said a quick prayer and gave it up to God. There were times throughout the planning that I felt like I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but what kept me going was the immense love I have in my life. With every single doubt or break down I had, Simon remained calm and never got angry. In my worse moments he showered me with unconditional love.

At 18 I rekindled a relationship with my mother’s older sister. Throughout the years she’s stepped into the role of a mother figure and has been one of my biggest cheerleaders. I asked if she would walk me down the isle along with Jim my father figure. Right before the bridal processional song began I turned to Jim and almost started to cry “I can’t believe I’m old enough to get married. Do you remember the conversations we used to have?” in an instant the childhood memories began to flood me. I couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed. It seemed like yesterday that I was 9 years old, engaging in deep conversations with Jim about life. As the music commenced we made our way towards Simon until we reached him. He was beaming.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. We hugged, laughed and danced the night away with the last guest leaving at 7:30am. The next day my mother wanted me to send pictures. One in particular struck a nerve. She stopped speaking to me a day after the wedding.

I heard from her weeks later on the first day of my honeymoon in Fiji. She sent me a lengthy message with many hurtful words. “I see how much you care about us, please don’t contact me anymore.” She still had the ability to affect me despite being halfway across the world. I spent the next few days inconsolable. I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth and I felt like shit. I knew that if I didn’t make some sort of peace with myself I would never be able to get over the hurt I was experiencing. I tried to leave my feelings aside and enjoy the honeymoon, but it still remained in the back of my mind. I knew I had to drastically change things.

About 3 months after the honeymoon, when I was at my lowest I sought professional help. I didn’t want to continue to let my issues effect my life or my marriage. I was severely depressed and tired of feeling helpless. I needed to feel better. For a few months I saw the therapist weekly. I made sure I walked to the office and got out in nature. She compassionately listened and explained that it was normal that these emotions were coming up, especially during a life altering event such as marriage. She suggested that I begin to mediate and try yoga.

6 months later I walked into my first first Kundalini Yoga class. I remember telling my therapist about my first experience, then a few months later that I was thinking about going into teacher training. “I wish more of my clients realized the benefits of doing yoga. I’m so happy you’re practicing regularly. The connection with your body, mind and soul is so important.” 

For a long time I viewed depression as something negative, a feeling that had absolute power over me and would linger for the rest of my life. Now I view it as my mind telling my soul that I need to make a radical change and this radical change lead me to where I am today. I spent 16 months (and more) absorbed by the hurt I was feeling and surprised at all of the things that were coming up. There were moments where I couldn’t see the end, where I was consumed with a desolate feeling, I was tired of feeling like garbage. Then there were times where I  thought I was ok, then something would happen that would trigger all of the old feelings and bring me back to darkness. There’s no magical formula, the truth is in order properly heal it takes work. You have to face the darkness before you’re able to see the light, and I promise there’s so much light in you waiting to shine through.

“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” -Francis Bacon

 

Here are some tools that I’ve used to help me heal:

I Can See Clearly Now

Codependency No More

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents 

Need to speak to a therapist but don’t have time? 

https://www.talkspace.com

What if you could reparent yourself? Try this 8 day workshop through Free and Native. 

https://www.freeandnative.com/unblocked-reparent

Something that helped me tremendously was Reiki. This beautiful technique helps heal your body and mind. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy.

http://diamondmindreiki.com/home.html

Here’s a beautiful Kundalini Yoga Kriya that can be done for 40 days. It will help balance your chakra’s and elevate your mood.

https://www.3ho.org/kriya-elevation

Are you lacking joy in your life? Try doing this meditation for 40 days. Why 40 days? This will break any negative habits that block you from growing.

https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/chakras/meditation-elevation-connection-and-joy

 

Are you planning a wedding or going through a difficult time in your life? Know this difficult moment will pass and with each difficult moment you become a stronger more resilient version of yourself.

 
When things fall apart

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve spoken to my mother, I’d like to say that it’s the first time but regrettably it’s not. Throughout the years there have been stretches of silence and many times without a reason. There are moments where she tries to regain her role as a mother, become my best friend calling me constantly. She’ll tell me that she loves me, shifting from silence to a suffocating love. In the past I would take those moments as hope that things have changed, that perhaps we could establish some sort of relationship. Sadly it’s these very moments where I tread lightly because I know that it will be short lived. I know she will become upset about something and not speak to me for months. It’s in those moments of silence that I learn the most about myself.

My relationship with my Mother has always been a difficult one. It’s hard to see someone constantly fall apart and have respect for them. Growing up she would constantly ask me for advice and many times I felt that I had to encompass the role of the responsible adult, something I deeply resented. Someone who was constantly left picking up the pieces. The glue that held everything together. I don’t remember ever feeling as if I was a child, I was always worried about her and what would happen to us. I desperately wanted to fix her and take her pain away. Back then it was difficult to see that my mother had been shoved into a role of parenthood that she was ill prepared for, and that she was doing the best she could while dealing terribly with her past.

From a young age I was very aware of how present her past was in our lives. She was very open about her abuse as a child bringing to light the severity of things. At times I felt like her therapist. I urged her to seek help, but she would insist that she was healed. It often left me wondering if she would ever be ok. During those early years I vowed I would never allow my circumstances to determine the person I was. I would grow up and do things differently, never allow hurt to have a standing place in my life. My idealistic mind said many things but I hadn’t experience the pain my mother had. I was just experiencing the painful aftermath. I’m ashamed to say that I judged her immensely. I didn’t realize then that when judge we feed into the very thing we dislike. We give it attention and slowly it becomes part of our reality.

I grew up in a very strict, religious home and although I believed everything I was taught I couldn’t understand why she was still so broken. If God heals all, why wasn’t she healed? Why did she struggle with anxiety attacks? Why did I feel like the adult all the time? We lived our lives isolated from family and the world. I remember moments when my Aunts would come and visit because they hadn’t seen us in a long time. She would pretend we weren’t home. Then there were moments when we would all be together as a family, then someone would say something and a fight would ensue. They were concerned about us, but my mother didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps she didn’t want to face them because they were a reminder of her past and all of the terrible things that had happened to her.

When I was 16 we moved to Denver, Colorado and as I began to change our relationship suffered severely. It was then things began to dissolve. We were constantly fighting and the stress of work and school was almost too unbearable. While I wouldn’t define myself as a rebellious kid, I had an opinion and possessed a sense of strength my mother often relied on. I viewed college as my only way out, and as I began applying to colleges I know she felt utterly alone. The idea of me leaving scared her and in her own way she didn’t want to be left, but instead be the person to decide when I would leave. A few months after I turned 18 she kicked me out. “Get the hell out of my house! Aren’t you tired of me telling you to leave? Aren’t you embarrassed to still be here?!”  Those words stung me to the core. It was just the two of us and I felt so betrayed.

“For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor. There is no freedom which is free. To create in you the power to create the intelligence which will give you power to be effect in your own living and give you satisfaction in your own joy. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.”

-Yogi Bhajan 

In the midst of our fight she called a friend. M became a saving grace, a light in the darkness. She asked to speak to me. I was crying, almost hyperventilating. My world was crumbling. She told me to calm down and begin to gather some things. “You need some space from each other. I’ll tell her you’re coming over for a few day and then you’ll be back to grab the rest of your things at another time.”  Surprisingly my mother thought it was a great idea, perhaps she thought that if I left I would come running back home begging for forgiveness but that was not the case. As soon as I left I felt a heaviness lift. M took me in and treated me with grace and unconditional love. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and for many years after I had a hard time receiving it. She taught me acceptance and at 18 that was one of the greatest lessons I could learn.

When things fall apart it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be difficult to not replay the hurt and wonder why, or how things could be different. Instead of moving on we end up creating more damage for ourselves and our loved ones. We push them away and base our current experiences on the past ones instead of trusting that the outcome will be different. When things fall apart they do so to fall back together, stronger and exactly as they should.  All of the things that have happened in my life have lead me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have found a career that helps me accentuate the true beauty of others. I wouldn’t have moved to California, met my soul mate or discovered a beautiful practice through Kundalini Yoga. I would never know what it means to be joyful, because without pain we will never be able to appreciate and accept the beauty in our lives.

I’d like to say that I’ve completely forgiven my mother but I’ll be candid and say that I’m a work in progress and forgiveness doesn’t automatically come. It’s something that I work on daily. There’s no doubt in my mind that in her own way my mother loves me. She did the best she could with the tools that she had. When someone has hurt you the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious decision to forgive them, and in doing so you break the invisible hold they have on you. You give space for miraculous things to happen in your life and to have the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Here’s a powerful mediation that will assist you in sending healing thoughts to yourself or someone who’s hurt you:

 

Sending Healing Thoughts Meditation

Posture and Mudra: Sit in Easy Pose and place the hands in Prayer Pose (palms together at the center of the chest).

Focus: Concentrate at the Heart Center. Press the hands tightly together and press the total weight of the body against them. Fill up your Heart Center with love; hate will go. Minus hate, man is great.

Time: Continue for 4 to 5 minutes.

Then think of someone you love most and send healing thoughts. This divine medicine can heal them mentally, physically, and spiritually. Begin with someone you really love and do it sincerely; your channels will open.

Once your channels are opened, you can do it at anytime for anyone. Healing thoughts can be transmitted like a wireless. Fill the whole room with them. Project. Give from your heart. It is the highest meditation to live for others.

Time: Keep up your concentration for at least 10 minutes.

To End: Then inhale deeply, fill in your chest with love and project pranas (life force) like a thunderbolt. Exhale, inhale again and send this breath to the person you are meditating on. Exhale. Inhale again, and feel the energy flowing through your hands to the person. Create this mental link. Feel this energy massaging this person. Exhale. Inhale again and be totally with that person. This will make you one with the Universal Mind. Exhale. Inhale and continue. Exhale and relax.

Those who send out good vibrations will receive ten times the amount from the Universe. You gain when you give. There is no need to pray for yourself. Pray for others and the Creator will pray for you.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

Do you remember a moment in your life when things fell apart? What was something that helped you? 
You are worthy

My biggest fear growing up was being the center of attention. I would constantly try to hide, or feel easily embarrassed. It’s something that I struggle with to this day. I’ve always felt like I needed to be put together and perfect, pretending everything was fine even when it wasn’t.Being raised in a single parent home had its difficult moments, but of course no one knew. I would always say I was fine without having a Father around. The last thing I wanted was to elicit pity from anyone. The truth is growing up without him deeply affected me. I yearned for family and acceptance. You see growing up without a father left me feeling deeply unworthy but it wasn’t until I was an adult that it finally hit me.

I remember asking my Mom about my Father, who he was and why he was gone. I would look in the mirror and see a foreign face. I didn’t have my Mother’s features. I would spend hours looking in the mirror trying to put the pieces together. If I stared long enough perhaps the answers would come. Maybe she had it all wrong. Maybe he was a changed man. I dreamed that he would be able to provide everything that was lacking in my life. Then there were the bouts of anger. What kind of person could leave their daughter? I didn’t need someone who didn’t want to be in my life.

Around the time I turned 8 my Mother started dating someone who became a Father figure. He began to fill the void that my Father left. He loved me like his own, but still there was something missing. I spent years looking for my Father and at 17 I located someone with the same name. I thought I had finally found him. I called and introduced myself and asked if he knew my mother. He paused and said that he was sorry, he had never heard of her. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I felt defeated.

Throughout the years my search would come in waves. I would search tirelessly, then feel overwhelmed and stop. My relationship with my Mother was strained, at times it left me feeling as if I had no family. Unconsciously this affected every relationship I encountered, including the one with myself. I made poor decisions on who I dated because I felt unloved. What I didn’t realize is that while my Mother was trying to reconcile her own pain and shame she had unknowingly passed it to me. She too felt unworthy and suffered from poor self esteem. She would always point out what she wanted to change; her nose, hair, weight–anything to feel like she was in control. She was constantly trying to hide. My own self image began to suffer. I recoiled anytime there was any attention on me. It didn’t matter how many times someone would tell me I was beautiful, there was always a part of me that felt inadequate. I could see the beauty in others but couldn’t recognize my own beauty without feeling deeply ashamed.

In my 20s I struggled to find myself. My mind told me that I was worthy, but my heart remained broken. I found myself in a string of relationships that brought out the worst version of me. At 21 I noticed a pattern. I was constantly putting myself in unhealthy situations. I knew that if I didn’t love myself I would continue on a much more destructive path. I had allowed my circumstances to influence the choices I made, the clothes I wore and how I viewed myself. I even turned to makeup to try to cover up how I was feeling, foolishly thinking that no one would notice. No matter how much makeup or highlighter I wore nothing could replicate radiance. The natural glow that so many try to reproduce yet fail. That inner light that draws people to you and exudes confidence and joy. I was tired of living in a mediocre state and began to take small steps to release the past and forgive. It wasn’t until I began to love myself that I was able to attract my soul mate, the one who was able to see me exactly as I am.

A few months before I turned 30 I got a lead. I took a leap of faith and took a DNA text through Ancestry.com and was linked to a second cousin. She knew my Father and very delicately explained that he was a troubled man. He had a substance abuse problem and couldn’t keep a stable job. He had also Fathered other children. I met my siblings a few years ago and learned that he had been absent in their lives. He was 45 when he died of cirrhosis of the liver. I had allowed his actions to influence how I viewed myself when they had nothing to do with me. How could I expect him to love me when he clearly hadn’t loved himself. His absence had been the best gift he had ever given me.

I met my cousin a few months ago. She showed me pictures of my great grandparents and shared how they had come to America from Italy. The pieces were finally coming together. My great grandparents had 11 children, and in the pictures were snippets of happy, joyful moments. There was one particular picture where my grandfather was affectionately caressing my great grandfather. There was a stark difference between the pictures of my grandfather and my Father. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and that picture spoke to me strongly. He wore a blue suit jacket and was standing stiffly. He was in his 20s and had self doubt written all over his face. There was no joy in his expression. It was as if he was uncomfortable in his own skin. All of the years of questioning were suddenly dissolved in an instant.

 

In the last 2 months I have been blessed to meet 2 more cousins who have welcomed me with open arms. Through them I have been able to explore my ancestry and find something positive in this situation. I know for certain that things have happened exactly as they were meant to be and despite the circumstances I’m extremely fortunate. I live in a beautiful place, with a amazing husband and friends. I have a career that takes me to places I’ve never imagined. I connect with people on a much deeper level then I ever thought possible and although I still experience struggles, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and all of the things I’ve been able to accomplish. It’s exactly the life I had hoped for.

 

 

How often do you allow your past or present to define you? Or spend countless waking moments trying to figure out what you could have done differently or why a situation turned out the way it did. No matter how much time we spend we will never be able to change the past and instead we end up sabotaging the present. Something that’s helped me tremendously with letting is meditating. It helps me focus on the now and in the stillness I am able to consolidate and process everything that has happened, accept it, and release it.

“When shadows cast over your deepest thoughts, and the voice of dissent becomes a chorus sit awhile and just be. Breath deep for strength. Breath deep with hope. Breath deep for love, with love, my love and just be.”

-trustyscribe 

Here’s one of my favorite meditations. It can be done any time of the day and will instantly lift your mood. Need a big shift in your life? Try doing this meditation for 40 days. It will remove blocks and help transform your life.

 

Mantra: This mantra consists of 8 basic sounds:

Ra Ma Da Sa, Sa Say So Hung

 

Translation: 

Ra-Sun

Ra – Sun

Ma – Moon

Daa – Earth

Saa – Impersonal Infinity

Saa Say – Totality of Infinity

So – Personal sense of merger and identity

Hung – The infinite, vibrating and real.

 

When in doubt remember: You are worthy. You are loved. You are beautiful ❤ 

 

Did you try the meditation? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

Love E 💋

 

 

 

Kundalini Yoga & Beauty

Photo credit @ Kirtan Photohraphy

It’s been almost a year since I walked into my first Kundalini Yoga class, and I had no idea that my life would forever change. As I walked into class I was greeted by a radiant woman sitting on a bench. She was wearing all white and had such a beautiful peace about her that instantly put me at ease.

We began the class by tuning in “Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo” I bow to the Creative Wisdom, I bow to the divine teacher within. Each Kundalini Yoga class is taught exactly as Yogi Bhajan instructed and how his teachers before him instructed. This keeps the integrity and effectiveness of the practice. All Kundalini Yoga classes begin with a specific Kriya. A Kriya is a series of postures, breath, and sound that work together towards a specific outcome.There are Kriyas that stimulate the pituitary, help depression, make you radiant and more.

As we began the Kriya I remember thoughts of judgment begin to surface. What am I doing here? There’s a lot of chanting going on. Am I doing this correctly? This is freaking hard. When is it over?!  I couldn’t seem to escape my thoughts.

During that first class I had moments when I wanted to give up. I had expected a class that would have a heavy emphasis on meditation and was not prepared for the physical and mental difficultly that I was experiencing–especially at 10am on a Saturday morning. At some point while I was jumping up and down (yes that was one of the exercises) I let go of the fear and of  how ridiculous I felt and surrendered to the moment. Before I knew it, it was time for deep relaxation, meditation and the end of the class.

Every class closes with a song called  “Long Time Sun”. The teacher instructed us to sing it 3 times. Once to ourselves, to someone we have difficulty with and to the world. I’ll be honest and say I felt absolutely silly singing this song, but suddenly as I began to sing I became emotional. All of the feelings of self doubt, frustration and fear began to melt away. It was like something inside me shifted and opened.

Art Work By Shabad Atma

I walked out of that class a different person. I went back everyday that week. As I began to take more classes I noticed that I became calmer, listened better and everyone around me commented on my “glow”. Something I had worked so hard on achieving. I was hooked.

My first class ❤

5 months ago I began Kundalini Teacher Training. It’s been one of the most rewards, yet difficult things I’ve ever done. Each day through my daily practice I am forced to face all of my imperfections and love each and every one of them. Yogi Bhajan was often quoted saying that through the practice of Kundalini Yoga and meditation we bring out the garbage. The same garbage that lives in our minds, gives us pain in our bodies and comes out in our skin.

Throughout my makeup career I’ve seen how important inner happiness truly is. So many skin issues surface from diet, stress and unhappiness. The signs of worry and stress begin to age us prematurely and our bodies begin to succumb under the stress we put it through.  Sometimes we even forget to breath.  We forget how important it is to move our bodies, to get the energy moving. To be flexible with every challenge that comes our way.

What are some things that you do in order to take out the garbage?

-Elishah 💋

“The fact is that there is nothing more beautiful, more worthy or more conscious than you.”
-Yogi Bhajan

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