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What they don’t tell you about planning a wedding

The day I was proposed to was one of the happiest days of my life. It happened on a trip to New York on July 24, 2015 while visiting family. We made arrangements to meet with my mother and little brother in Central Park. I called to confirm our meeting. As soon as I spoke to her I knew something was wrong.“Elishah, we can’t come.” She excused herself and said her husband couldn’t take her into the city. Sadly I wasn’t surprised. I had traveled all the way from California, yet she couldn’t cross the George Washington bridge to see me.

As we made our way to Central Park we stopped at a food cart to get Kebabs. Simon took out his wallet to pay, then placed his bag behind him, clearly an easy target. I reminded him that we were in New York City and that he should switch the direction of the bag. He looked at me and without saying a word brought the bag in front of him. We crossed the street and as we did Simon said “Why don’t you pick a spot?” As I started scanning a place to sit he began to absently move ahead of me, focusing on an area not quite under a tree. A little annoyed I followed, he clearly had something else on his mind, but so did I. I was busy thinking about how my mother had canceled on us last minute.

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, ” I began. He tried to change the subject but I continued “I can’t believe she didn’t come.” He hadn’t touched any of the food.” Aren’t you hungry? You’re not eating.” He shook his head no and asked what I wanted to do the rest of the day. I told him that I wanted to go to a museum and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Maybe he was so disturbed with the situation he had lost his appetite. I know I had. “You know I have this feeling that I don’t want you to be my girlfriend anymore” my heart dropped “Is he breaking up with me? Maybe this is too much for him to handle.” Then he continued “I want you to be my wife.” He reached into his bag and a small black box appeared. It was open and inside was a beautiful ring. He had been trying to propose for some time and I had almost ruined the moment. For the rest of the trip I was floating. I called my mother from the park and told her the good news. She was thrilled.

We returned to LA and after visiting some venues decided to have a destination wedding and get married in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic. It seemed like the perfect way to spend time with our loved ones, enjoy a vacation, while celebrating our union. As I began to plan the wedding a feeling of loneliness began to creep in. No one told me that wedding planning would be lonely, or that it would bring to light all of my insecurities. That people in my life would have opinions on how I should have my wedding and others would abandon me when I needed them the most. I was bothered by the fact that my mother wasn’t there to help me through the process, something I had dreamed of for so long. Most of my friends thought that I had everything under control, like it was magically taken care of. All we had to do was show up. A few saw how much time I spent planning and coordinating things and only a couple offered to help. No one seemed to really understand the struggles I felt, the things that were coming up for me, but how could they? From the outside I seemed to have it together. I began to close myself off. It was as if I were drowning in my anxiety and to make matters worse I realized how fractured my relationship really was with my mother and the more planning I did the more it became blatantly obvious.

I realized early on that my mother would not be attending the wedding, which was something that deeply saddened me. I would frequently speak to my aunt on the phone and she would try to soothe me but it was only temporary. The old feelings would return and I would feel sad again. I was always in a bad mood. This was suppose to be one of the happiest times of my life yet I was absolutely miserably. My husband to be tried to be supportive, but often times didn’t know how to help. Instead he patiently listened and offered advice when he could. Then there were times where I felt misunderstood and doubt would begin to make its way in. The closer the wedding approached the more it showed on my skin. Concerned I visited a dermatologist “I can prescribe you something, but this is stress related.” I had paid a professional to tell me something I had known all along. Guests began to cancel left and right, some without saying a word. 2 bridesmaids back out 6 weeks before the wedding and that was only a few things that went wrong. I was emotionally spent.

The day of the wedding was bittersweet. I spoke to my mother as I got ready, but felt almost numb to the fact that she wasn’t there. My aunts tried to take my mind off of her absence by dancing and joking around. Something I desperately needed. It was surreal that she wasn’t there despite getting married in the country that she is from. The day was almost perfect, with a few mishaps yet it didn’t matter. That morning I had decided to surrender and remain calm. I said a quick prayer and gave it up to God. There were times throughout the planning that I felt like I wanted to throw in the towel and give up but what kept me going was the immense love I have in my life. With every single doubt or break down I had, Simon remained calm and never got angry. In my worse moments he showered me with unconditional love.

At 18 I rekindled a relationship with my mother’s older sister. Throughout the years she’s stepped into the role of a mother figure and has been one of my biggest cheerleaders. I asked if she would walk me down the isle along with Jim my father figure. Right before the bridal processional song began I turned to Jim and almost started to cry “I can’t believe I’m old enough to get married. Do you remember the conversations we used to have?” in an instant the childhood memories began to flood me. I couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed. It seemed like yesterday that I was 9 years old, engaging in deep conversations with Jim about life. As the music commenced we made our way towards Simon until we reached him. He was beaming.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful. We hugged, laughed and danced the night away with the last guest leaving at 7:30am. The next day my mother wanted me to send pictures. One in particular struck a nerve. She stopped speaking to me a day after the wedding.

I heard from her weeks later on the first day of my honeymoon in Fiji. She sent me a lengthy message with many hurtful words. “I see how much you care about us, please don’t contact me anymore.” She still had the ability to affect me despite being halfway across the world. I spent the next few days inconsolable. I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth and I felt like shit. I knew that if I didn’t make some sort of peace with myself I would never be able to get over the hurt I was experiencing. I tried to leave my feelings aside and enjoy the honeymoon, but it still remained in the back of my mind. I knew I had to drastically change things.

About 3 months after the honeymoon, when I was at my lowest I sought professional help. I didn’t want to continue to let my issues effect my life or my marriage. I was severely depressed and tired of feeling helpless. I needed to feel better. For a few months I saw the therapist weekly. I made sure I walked to the office and got out in nature. She compassionately listened and explained that it was normal that these emotions were coming up, especially during a life altering event such as marriage. She suggested that I begin to mediate and try yoga.

6 months later I walked into my first first Kundalini Yoga class. I remember telling my therapist about my first experience, then a few months later that I was thinking about going into teacher training. “I wish more of my clients realized the benefits of doing yoga. I’m so happy you’re practicing regularly. The connection with your body, mind and soul is so important.” 

For a long time I viewed depression as something negative, a feeling that had absolute power over me and would linger for the rest of my life. Now I view it as my mind telling my soul that I need to make a radical change and this radical change lead me to where I am today. I spent 16 months (and more) absorbed by the hurt I was feeling and surprised at all of the things that were coming up. There were moments where I couldn’t see the end, where I was consumed with a desolate feeling, I was tired of feeling like garbage. Then there were times where I  thought I was ok, then something would happen that would trigger all of the old feelings and bring me back to darkness. There’s no magical formula, the truth is in order properly heal it takes work. You have to face the darkness before you’re able to see the light, and I promise there’s so much light in you waiting to shine through.

“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” -Francis Bacon

 

Here are some tools that I’ve used to help me heal:

I Can See Clearly Now

Codependency No More

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents 

Need to speak to a therapist but don’t have time? 

https://www.talkspace.com

What if you could reparent yourself? Try this 8 day workshop through Free and Native. 

https://www.freeandnative.com/unblocked-reparent

Something that helped me tremendously was Reiki. This beautiful technique helps heal your body and mind. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy.

http://diamondmindreiki.com/home.html

Here’s a beautiful Kundalini Yoga Kriya that can be done for 40 days. It will help balance your chakra’s and elevate your mood.

https://www.3ho.org/kriya-elevation

Are you lacking joy in your life? Try doing this meditation for 40 days. Why 40 days? This will break any negative habits that block you from growing.

https://www.3ho.org/kundalini-yoga/chakras/meditation-elevation-connection-and-joy

 

Are you planning a wedding or going through a difficult time in your life? Know this difficult moment will pass and with each difficult moment you become a stronger more resilient version of yourself.

 
When things fall apart

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve spoken to my mother, I’d like to say that it’s the first time but regrettably it’s not. Throughout the years there have been stretches of silence and many times without a reason. There are moments where she tries to regain her role as a mother, become my best friend calling me constantly. She’ll tell me that she loves me, shifting from silence to a suffocating love. In the past I would take those moments as hope that things have changed, that perhaps we could establish some sort of relationship. Sadly it’s these very moments where I tread lightly because I know that it will be short lived. I know she will become upset about something and not speak to me for months. It’s in those moments of silence that I learn the most about myself.

My relationship with my Mother has always been a difficult one. It’s hard to see someone constantly fall apart and have respect for them. Growing up she would constantly ask me for advice and many times I felt that I had to encompass the role of the responsible adult, something I deeply resented. Someone who was constantly left picking up the pieces. The glue that held everything together. I don’t remember ever feeling as if I was a child, I was always worried about her and what would happen to us. I desperately wanted to fix her and take her pain away. Back then it was difficult to see that my mother had been shoved into a role of parenthood that she was ill prepared for, and that she was doing the best she could while dealing terribly with her past.

From a young age I was very aware of how present her past was in our lives. She was very open about her abuse as a child bringing to light the severity of things. At times I felt like her therapist. I urged her to seek help, but she would insist that she was healed. It often left me wondering if she would ever be ok. During those early years I vowed I would never allow my circumstances to determine the person I was. I would grow up and do things differently, never allow hurt to have a standing place in my life. My idealistic mind said many things but I hadn’t experience the pain my mother had. I was just experiencing the painful aftermath. I’m ashamed to say that I judged her immensely. I didn’t realize then that when judge we feed into the very thing we dislike. We give it attention and slowly it becomes part of our reality.

I grew up in a very strict, religious home and although I believed everything I was taught I couldn’t understand why she was still so broken. If God heals all, why wasn’t she healed? Why did she struggle with anxiety attacks? Why did I feel like the adult all the time? We lived our lives isolated from family and the world. I remember moments when my Aunts would come and visit because they hadn’t seen us in a long time. She would pretend we weren’t home. Then there were moments when we would all be together as a family, then someone would say something and a fight would ensue. They were concerned about us, but my mother didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps she didn’t want to face them because they were a reminder of her past and all of the terrible things that had happened to her.

When I was 16 we moved to Denver, Colorado and as I began to change our relationship suffered severely. It was then things began to dissolve. We were constantly fighting and the stress of work and school was almost too unbearable. While I wouldn’t define myself as a rebellious kid, I had an opinion and possessed a sense of strength my mother often relied on. I viewed college as my only way out, and as I began applying to colleges I know she felt utterly alone. The idea of me leaving scared her and in her own way she didn’t want to be left, but instead be the person to decide when I would leave. A few months after I turned 18 she kicked me out. “Get the hell out of my house! Aren’t you tired of me telling you to leave? Aren’t you embarrassed to still be here?!”  Those words stung me to the core. It was just the two of us and I felt so betrayed.

“For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor. There is no freedom which is free. To create in you the power to create the intelligence which will give you power to be effect in your own living and give you satisfaction in your own joy. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.”

-Yogi Bhajan 

In the midst of our fight she called a friend. M became a saving grace, a light in the darkness. She asked to speak to me. I was crying, almost hyperventilating. My world was crumbling. She told me to calm down and begin to gather some things. “You need some space from each other. I’ll tell her you’re coming over for a few day and then you’ll be back to grab the rest of your things at another time.”  Surprisingly my mother thought it was a great idea, perhaps she thought that if I left I would come running back home begging for forgiveness but that was not the case. As soon as I left I felt a heaviness lift. M took me in and treated me with grace and unconditional love. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and for many years after I had a hard time receiving it. She taught me acceptance and at 18 that was one of the greatest lessons I could learn.

When things fall apart it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be difficult to not replay the hurt and wonder why, or how things could be different. Instead of moving on we end up creating more damage for ourselves and our loved ones. We push them away and base our current experiences on the past ones instead of trusting that the outcome will be different. When things fall apart they do so to fall back together, stronger and exactly as they should.  All of the things that have happened in my life have lead me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have found a career that helps me accentuate the true beauty of others. I wouldn’t have moved to California, met my soul mate or discovered a beautiful practice through Kundalini Yoga. I would never know what it means to be joyful, because without pain we will never be able to appreciate and accept the beauty in our lives.

I’d like to say that I’ve completely forgiven my mother but I’ll be candid and say that I’m a work in progress and forgiveness doesn’t automatically come. It’s something that I work on daily. There’s no doubt in my mind that in her own way my mother loves me. She did the best she could with the tools that she had. When someone has hurt you the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious decision to forgive them, and in doing so you break the invisible hold they have on you. You give space for miraculous things to happen in your life and to have the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Here’s a powerful mediation that will assist you in sending healing thoughts to yourself or someone who’s hurt you:

 

Sending Healing Thoughts Meditation

Posture and Mudra: Sit in Easy Pose and place the hands in Prayer Pose (palms together at the center of the chest).

Focus: Concentrate at the Heart Center. Press the hands tightly together and press the total weight of the body against them. Fill up your Heart Center with love; hate will go. Minus hate, man is great.

Time: Continue for 4 to 5 minutes.

Then think of someone you love most and send healing thoughts. This divine medicine can heal them mentally, physically, and spiritually. Begin with someone you really love and do it sincerely; your channels will open.

Once your channels are opened, you can do it at anytime for anyone. Healing thoughts can be transmitted like a wireless. Fill the whole room with them. Project. Give from your heart. It is the highest meditation to live for others.

Time: Keep up your concentration for at least 10 minutes.

To End: Then inhale deeply, fill in your chest with love and project pranas (life force) like a thunderbolt. Exhale, inhale again and send this breath to the person you are meditating on. Exhale. Inhale again, and feel the energy flowing through your hands to the person. Create this mental link. Feel this energy massaging this person. Exhale. Inhale again and be totally with that person. This will make you one with the Universal Mind. Exhale. Inhale and continue. Exhale and relax.

Those who send out good vibrations will receive ten times the amount from the Universe. You gain when you give. There is no need to pray for yourself. Pray for others and the Creator will pray for you.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

Do you remember a moment in your life when things fell apart? What was something that helped you? 

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