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How to get in touch with your inner child

My 4th Birthday

 

“The most sophisticated people I know-inside they are children.” Jim Henson

  It’s taken me nearly 32 years to experience childhood. I was one of the few kids that would talk to adults as if they were my peers. I had a severe case of only child syndrome. I would talk about current events, the type of career and job I would have and where I would live. I felt alienated from those my age as if I had nothing in common with them. Frankly, I viewed other kids as immature, and I was not going to invest my time in them. I would get bored playing with stuffed animals or dolls because they couldn’t talk back. Of course I still had an imagination, but I was always in tune with reality, often times too in tune with what was happening around me. Adults would comment on how mature I acted, a compliment that actually felt like something I had to live up to. It shaped me into the adult I am today. I didn’t want to let anyone down by acting too childlike so instead I molded myself into someone who was almost always composed. I needed to be the perfect child, both in my eyes and in everyone else’s. 

  It was like there were two versions of me: the fearless optimist, and the girl afraid of making a fool of herself. I had difficulties being silly and letting go, but when I did, I would transform. My imagination would run wild. I felt as if I could do anything, achieve anything. I had no obstacle, my past and present did not define me. Then I would be visited by the girl afraid of failing, the one who was terrified of making a fool of herself. She gave up learning how to ride a bike because she felt too old (I was 14) was insecure in her ability to learn how to swim (I was 6) and was afraid of what people would say. She was so fearful of letting her mother down. Of being too different. I was in a constant battle with myself.

  There were times I felt like I had to mother my mother. She would often confide in me, pulling me into her world. Drifting me away from my own imagination and reality. Being a single parent was extremely stressful for my her, and there were moments we worried about what we would eat and how we would afford the rent. In my childlike faith, and innocence I would encourage my mother, tell her everything was going to be ok. I had no other choice but to believe that we would be taken care of.  In my heart, I knew that no matter what we would make it through. We would overcome the circumstances and persevere. At times I dreamed of someone saving us, and I know she did too. 

   At the age of 9, my mother and I became homeless. We arrived at an intake shelter in the Bronx. We were in a large room with hundreds of woman and children. We were all in limbo waiting to be taken to different locations. We slept on the floor with the lights on during the night. The flu was going around making it difficult to sleep. My mother and I got extremely sick. I remember feeling so much shame. After a few days, we were moved to another location. An old converted hospital.I would wake up from the screaming and yelling in the hallway. The unrest and tension hanging thickly in the air, spreading throughout the building. We were moved two more times before we got our apartment. It was the longest most stressful year of my life. 

  I reached adulthood in an almost exhausted state. The reality of everything that had happened weighing heavily on my psyche. I couldn’t seem to shake it off, and it followed me in my early adult years. I had a difficult time laughing at myself or even relaxing. I always felt on edge. My true self remained hidden, waiting to be unleashed. Occasionally she would show up and say hello, she was begging to be let out. In my late twenties, something started to shift. I began to care less of what people thought of me and the less I cared, the more honest and caring people I attracted.

   My husband and I recently went on vacation with friends who have a wonderful 2-year-old son. He is one of the most loving, kindest and fun little boys I know. As I spent time with him I learned a lot about myself in the process. Anytime he stumbles he brushes himself off and continues.He doesn’t allow minor setbacks to get in the way of what he wants to accomplish. He lives in the present and isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself. He loves unconditionally and without reservation. He is straightforward with what he likes and dislikes.  Most importantly he isn’t scared of having fun and lots of it. During those 5 days, we made a fort out of an ottoman, ran while screaming (that was him) and blast in the playground hammock (that was me).  I was able to awaken the child in me and remember my essence. 

 

  Something that’s become very evident to me in the last few years is that no matter how old you are, your inner child will always remain. Just like in childhood it needs to be nurtured and loved. To be told that everything will be all right. That we can achieve everything our heart desires. In adulthood, it’s easy to become jaded and keep note of the people/things that have wounded us. We hold on to things that we can’t change, only hurting ourselves in the process.  I’ve decided I’ve had enough of adulthood and I want to dedicate myself to being in touch with my inner kid. Will you join me?

“I’m happy to report that my inner child is still ageless.” James Broughton

Inner child action plan:  

Laugh often at yourself

Do something unexpected

Find your innocence 

Dance/sing even if you’re offbeat/key 

Love without being afraid of being wounded 

Dream

Play in the ocean with a loved one

Get dirty (however, you see fit)

Be around children, pay attention and learn from them

Take frequent breaks from technology, be in nature

Be happy, it’s your birthright!

Let go 

Be present

 

Did you know that you can get in touch with your innocence through meditation? Start by closing your eyes. Lay down or sit in easy pose. Visualize yourself as a child, surrounding yourself with unconditional love. Begin to send healing energy to yourself, giving the love and encouragement you wished you had. Make sure to say how proud you are of your accomplishments. Slowly inhale and exhale. You can meditate in this position for as little as 3-11 minutes. Write down how you feel afterward. 
When things fall apart

It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve spoken to my mother, I’d like to say that it’s the first time but regrettably it’s not. Throughout the years there have been stretches of silence and many times without a reason. There are moments where she tries to regain her role as a mother, become my best friend calling me constantly. She’ll tell me that she loves me, shifting from silence to a suffocating love. In the past I would take those moments as hope that things have changed, that perhaps we could establish some sort of relationship. Sadly it’s these very moments where I tread lightly because I know that it will be short lived. I know she will become upset about something and not speak to me for months. It’s in those moments of silence that I learn the most about myself.

My relationship with my Mother has always been a difficult one. It’s hard to see someone constantly fall apart and have respect for them. Growing up she would constantly ask me for advice and many times I felt that I had to encompass the role of the responsible adult, something I deeply resented. Someone who was constantly left picking up the pieces. The glue that held everything together. I don’t remember ever feeling as if I was a child, I was always worried about her and what would happen to us. I desperately wanted to fix her and take her pain away. Back then it was difficult to see that my mother had been shoved into a role of parenthood that she was ill prepared for, and that she was doing the best she could while dealing terribly with her past.

From a young age I was very aware of how present her past was in our lives. She was very open about her abuse as a child bringing to light the severity of things. At times I felt like her therapist. I urged her to seek help, but she would insist that she was healed. It often left me wondering if she would ever be ok. During those early years I vowed I would never allow my circumstances to determine the person I was. I would grow up and do things differently, never allow hurt to have a standing place in my life. My idealistic mind said many things but I hadn’t experience the pain my mother had. I was just experiencing the painful aftermath. I’m ashamed to say that I judged her immensely. I didn’t realize then that when judge we feed into the very thing we dislike. We give it attention and slowly it becomes part of our reality.

I grew up in a very strict, religious home and although I believed everything I was taught I couldn’t understand why she was still so broken. If God heals all, why wasn’t she healed? Why did she struggle with anxiety attacks? Why did I feel like the adult all the time? We lived our lives isolated from family and the world. I remember moments when my Aunts would come and visit because they hadn’t seen us in a long time. She would pretend we weren’t home. Then there were moments when we would all be together as a family, then someone would say something and a fight would ensue. They were concerned about us, but my mother didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps she didn’t want to face them because they were a reminder of her past and all of the terrible things that had happened to her.

When I was 16 we moved to Denver, Colorado and as I began to change our relationship suffered severely. It was then things began to dissolve. We were constantly fighting and the stress of work and school was almost too unbearable. While I wouldn’t define myself as a rebellious kid, I had an opinion and possessed a sense of strength my mother often relied on. I viewed college as my only way out, and as I began applying to colleges I know she felt utterly alone. The idea of me leaving scared her and in her own way she didn’t want to be left, but instead be the person to decide when I would leave. A few months after I turned 18 she kicked me out. “Get the hell out of my house! Aren’t you tired of me telling you to leave? Aren’t you embarrassed to still be here?!”  Those words stung me to the core. It was just the two of us and I felt so betrayed.

“For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor. There is no freedom which is free. To create in you the power to create the intelligence which will give you power to be effect in your own living and give you satisfaction in your own joy. You have to work for it. You have to earn it.”

-Yogi Bhajan 

In the midst of our fight she called a friend. M became a saving grace, a light in the darkness. She asked to speak to me. I was crying, almost hyperventilating. My world was crumbling. She told me to calm down and begin to gather some things. “You need some space from each other. I’ll tell her you’re coming over for a few day and then you’ll be back to grab the rest of your things at another time.”  Surprisingly my mother thought it was a great idea, perhaps she thought that if I left I would come running back home begging for forgiveness but that was not the case. As soon as I left I felt a heaviness lift. M took me in and treated me with grace and unconditional love. It was the first time I felt unconditional love and for many years after I had a hard time receiving it. She taught me acceptance and at 18 that was one of the greatest lessons I could learn.

When things fall apart it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It can be difficult to not replay the hurt and wonder why, or how things could be different. Instead of moving on we end up creating more damage for ourselves and our loved ones. We push them away and base our current experiences on the past ones instead of trusting that the outcome will be different. When things fall apart they do so to fall back together, stronger and exactly as they should.  All of the things that have happened in my life have lead me to where I am today. I wouldn’t have found a career that helps me accentuate the true beauty of others. I wouldn’t have moved to California, met my soul mate or discovered a beautiful practice through Kundalini Yoga. I would never know what it means to be joyful, because without pain we will never be able to appreciate and accept the beauty in our lives.

I’d like to say that I’ve completely forgiven my mother but I’ll be candid and say that I’m a work in progress and forgiveness doesn’t automatically come. It’s something that I work on daily. There’s no doubt in my mind that in her own way my mother loves me. She did the best she could with the tools that she had. When someone has hurt you the most powerful thing you can do for yourself is to make a conscious decision to forgive them, and in doing so you break the invisible hold they have on you. You give space for miraculous things to happen in your life and to have the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Here’s a powerful mediation that will assist you in sending healing thoughts to yourself or someone who’s hurt you:

 

Sending Healing Thoughts Meditation

Posture and Mudra: Sit in Easy Pose and place the hands in Prayer Pose (palms together at the center of the chest).

Focus: Concentrate at the Heart Center. Press the hands tightly together and press the total weight of the body against them. Fill up your Heart Center with love; hate will go. Minus hate, man is great.

Time: Continue for 4 to 5 minutes.

Then think of someone you love most and send healing thoughts. This divine medicine can heal them mentally, physically, and spiritually. Begin with someone you really love and do it sincerely; your channels will open.

Once your channels are opened, you can do it at anytime for anyone. Healing thoughts can be transmitted like a wireless. Fill the whole room with them. Project. Give from your heart. It is the highest meditation to live for others.

Time: Keep up your concentration for at least 10 minutes.

To End: Then inhale deeply, fill in your chest with love and project pranas (life force) like a thunderbolt. Exhale, inhale again and send this breath to the person you are meditating on. Exhale. Inhale again, and feel the energy flowing through your hands to the person. Create this mental link. Feel this energy massaging this person. Exhale. Inhale again and be totally with that person. This will make you one with the Universal Mind. Exhale. Inhale and continue. Exhale and relax.

Those who send out good vibrations will receive ten times the amount from the Universe. You gain when you give. There is no need to pray for yourself. Pray for others and the Creator will pray for you.

© The Teachings of Yogi Bhajan

Do you remember a moment in your life when things fell apart? What was something that helped you? 
You are worthy

My biggest fear growing up was being the center of attention. I would constantly try to hide, or feel easily embarrassed. It’s something that I struggle with to this day. I’ve always felt like I needed to be put together and perfect, pretending everything was fine even when it wasn’t.Being raised in a single parent home had its difficult moments, but of course no one knew. I would always say I was fine without having a Father around. The last thing I wanted was to elicit pity from anyone. The truth is growing up without him deeply affected me. I yearned for family and acceptance. You see growing up without a father left me feeling deeply unworthy but it wasn’t until I was an adult that it finally hit me.

I remember asking my Mom about my Father, who he was and why he was gone. I would look in the mirror and see a foreign face. I didn’t have my Mother’s features. I would spend hours looking in the mirror trying to put the pieces together. If I stared long enough perhaps the answers would come. Maybe she had it all wrong. Maybe he was a changed man. I dreamed that he would be able to provide everything that was lacking in my life. Then there were the bouts of anger. What kind of person could leave their daughter? I didn’t need someone who didn’t want to be in my life.

Around the time I turned 8 my Mother started dating someone who became a Father figure. He began to fill the void that my Father left. He loved me like his own, but still there was something missing. I spent years looking for my Father and at 17 I located someone with the same name. I thought I had finally found him. I called and introduced myself and asked if he knew my mother. He paused and said that he was sorry, he had never heard of her. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I felt defeated.

Throughout the years my search would come in waves. I would search tirelessly, then feel overwhelmed and stop. My relationship with my Mother was strained, at times it left me feeling as if I had no family. Unconsciously this affected every relationship I encountered, including the one with myself. I made poor decisions on who I dated because I felt unloved. What I didn’t realize is that while my Mother was trying to reconcile her own pain and shame she had unknowingly passed it to me. She too felt unworthy and suffered from poor self esteem. She would always point out what she wanted to change; her nose, hair, weight–anything to feel like she was in control. She was constantly trying to hide. My own self image began to suffer. I recoiled anytime there was any attention on me. It didn’t matter how many times someone would tell me I was beautiful, there was always a part of me that felt inadequate. I could see the beauty in others but couldn’t recognize my own beauty without feeling deeply ashamed.

In my 20s I struggled to find myself. My mind told me that I was worthy, but my heart remained broken. I found myself in a string of relationships that brought out the worst version of me. At 21 I noticed a pattern. I was constantly putting myself in unhealthy situations. I knew that if I didn’t love myself I would continue on a much more destructive path. I had allowed my circumstances to influence the choices I made, the clothes I wore and how I viewed myself. I even turned to makeup to try to cover up how I was feeling, foolishly thinking that no one would notice. No matter how much makeup or highlighter I wore nothing could replicate radiance. The natural glow that so many try to reproduce yet fail. That inner light that draws people to you and exudes confidence and joy. I was tired of living in a mediocre state and began to take small steps to release the past and forgive. It wasn’t until I began to love myself that I was able to attract my soul mate, the one who was able to see me exactly as I am.

A few months before I turned 30 I got a lead. I took a leap of faith and took a DNA text through Ancestry.com and was linked to a second cousin. She knew my Father and very delicately explained that he was a troubled man. He had a substance abuse problem and couldn’t keep a stable job. He had also Fathered other children. I met my siblings a few years ago and learned that he had been absent in their lives. He was 45 when he died of cirrhosis of the liver. I had allowed his actions to influence how I viewed myself when they had nothing to do with me. How could I expect him to love me when he clearly hadn’t loved himself. His absence had been the best gift he had ever given me.

I met my cousin a few months ago. She showed me pictures of my great grandparents and shared how they had come to America from Italy. The pieces were finally coming together. My great grandparents had 11 children, and in the pictures were snippets of happy, joyful moments. There was one particular picture where my grandfather was affectionately caressing my great grandfather. There was a stark difference between the pictures of my grandfather and my Father. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and that picture spoke to me strongly. He wore a blue suit jacket and was standing stiffly. He was in his 20s and had self doubt written all over his face. There was no joy in his expression. It was as if he was uncomfortable in his own skin. All of the years of questioning were suddenly dissolved in an instant.

 

In the last 2 months I have been blessed to meet 2 more cousins who have welcomed me with open arms. Through them I have been able to explore my ancestry and find something positive in this situation. I know for certain that things have happened exactly as they were meant to be and despite the circumstances I’m extremely fortunate. I live in a beautiful place, with a amazing husband and friends. I have a career that takes me to places I’ve never imagined. I connect with people on a much deeper level then I ever thought possible and although I still experience struggles, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and all of the things I’ve been able to accomplish. It’s exactly the life I had hoped for.

 

 

How often do you allow your past or present to define you? Or spend countless waking moments trying to figure out what you could have done differently or why a situation turned out the way it did. No matter how much time we spend we will never be able to change the past and instead we end up sabotaging the present. Something that’s helped me tremendously with letting is meditating. It helps me focus on the now and in the stillness I am able to consolidate and process everything that has happened, accept it, and release it.

“When shadows cast over your deepest thoughts, and the voice of dissent becomes a chorus sit awhile and just be. Breath deep for strength. Breath deep with hope. Breath deep for love, with love, my love and just be.”

-trustyscribe 

Here’s one of my favorite meditations. It can be done any time of the day and will instantly lift your mood. Need a big shift in your life? Try doing this meditation for 40 days. It will remove blocks and help transform your life.

 

Mantra: This mantra consists of 8 basic sounds:

Ra Ma Da Sa, Sa Say So Hung

 

Translation: 

Ra-Sun

Ra – Sun

Ma – Moon

Daa – Earth

Saa – Impersonal Infinity

Saa Say – Totality of Infinity

So – Personal sense of merger and identity

Hung – The infinite, vibrating and real.

 

When in doubt remember: You are worthy. You are loved. You are beautiful ❤ 

 

Did you try the meditation? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

Love E 💋

 

 

 

32 life lessons

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” -Oprah

Today is my 32nd Birthday. The 8 year old me would have thought that was incredibly old, nonetheless she would still be proud. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, especially in the early part of my life. I came from a single parent home, product of a mother who was abused and and absent father. I refuse to let my past define my future.

 

The 32 year old me realizes how much of the world I still need to see. There’s no doubt that I’ve had my share of ups and downs, and each situation I’ve been in has helped shape the person I am today. The reality is, the longer I am on this earth the more I realize there’s so much to learn.

On my 32nd Birthday I decided to write a list of 32 thing I’ve learned along the way. Enjoy!

1. Practice gratitude
2. Inner radiance will always surpass outer beauty.
3. Getting older doesn’t suck.
4. The best money spent is on travel.
5. Spend more time creating memories.
6. The idea of what may happen is alway worse than reality.
7. Every situation in life is a lesson, what you do with that lesson is up to you.
8. What’s in the past is the past. Let that shit go.
9. When you forgive yourself, it’s easier to forgive others.
10. Society doesn’t have to dictate who you are.
11. Your parents did the best they could with what they had. Show them some grace from time to time.
12. Practice more self care.
13. Stop trying to micromanage everything.
14. Don’t fear the unknown.
15. Your faith and beliefs
may change over time. Embrace the change.
16. Walking away doesn’t equal failure.
17. Listen to your intuition more often.
18. Finding your soulmate is possible.
19. Love is not for suckers.
20. Unconditional love breaks boundaries.
21. You are stronger then your physical body.
22. Don’t be afraid to speak your truth.
23. When things become too overwhelming meditate.
24. Move. Whether it’s dancing, yoga or running. Get that energy moving.
25. Go outside and get lost in nature.
26. Be open, you have nothing to lose.
27. If you’re not consistent with yourself you’ll have a difficult time be consistent in every area of your life.
28. Stop being so critical of your appearance.
29. Social media is an illusion.
30. Don’t compare yourself to others.
31. Your hopes and dreams will always be there. It’s up to you to make them come to life.
32. Find time to cultivate your inner child.

What are some lessons you’ve learned? How have they impacted you?

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